Of niceness and stressness

2009-08-26T10:57:00.001+08:00

How do I love thee?
Let me count the ways.

I love thee to the depth
and breadth
and height
My soul can reach,
when feeling out of sight.
For the ends of Being and ideal Grace.
I love thee to the level of everyday's
Most quiet need,
by sun and candlelight.
I love thee freely,
as men strive for Right;
I love thee purely,
as they turn from Praise.
I love thee with the passion
put to use In my old griefs,
and with my childhood's faith.
I love thee with a love I seemed to lose
With my lost saints,
--I love thee with the breath, Smiles, tears,
of all my life!
--and, if God choose,
I shall but love thee better after death.

2009-07-02T00:30:00.000+08:00

Now that the bubble has burst.... Will things ever be the same again?

2009-04-26T08:27:00.002+08:00

I need to end this all........ am getting sick of this emotional roller coaster ride... It is just rushing down, down, down, down , down and it's not making its way up....

Think this is just not working and we will need some time to run this through... I am starting to have expectations and the communication just is not there.... Spend days missing you and thinking about you but do you care? I certainly think you don't.

About your dreams and your plans for the future, I don't hear of it from the horse's mouth but rather the information comes from a person I hardly know for a month?!?! Sometimes, I am really amazed and taken aback by my own threshold and tolerance level for this. In fact, I feel like some silly woman whom I always talk about in the past who can just sit there, wait and tolerate all these nonsense.... and the ironic thing is that I laugh at them for their stupidity and this is happening to me! My patience is wearing thin but I still do like you...

Well, it's not like how some robitussin can make the cough go away, and how zyrtec can make my allergy disappear.... you telling me that ... You don't know what you want....does not seem to help matters. How do you know that I don't know what I want? I live for the moment and for now and all i want is you!

Everyone tells me I am stupid, silly, and I deserve better and why waste my tears over someone who can't love me? The reason is simple, "You never lose by loving. You always lose by holding back" I have learnt to love freely but you have not... Well, perhaps you don't like me enough and this I do not wish to speculate.... But I do hope that some day you would learn to give freely without any reservations. Am sure, this person in question would be someone who truly deserves you....

Someday, somehow, i believe I will receive all that I have given back :)

2009-04-19T23:14:00.002+08:00

Starry, starry night.
Paint your palette blue and grey,
Look out on a summer's day,
With eyes that know the darkness in my soul.
Shadows on the hills,
Sketch the trees and the daffodils,
Catch the breeze and the winter chills,
In colors on the snowy linen land.

Now I understand what you tried to say to me,
How you suffered for your sanity,
How you tried to set them free.
They would not listen, they did not know how.
Perhaps they'll listen now.

Starry, starry night.
Flaming flowers that brightly blaze,
Swirling clouds in violet haze,
Reflect in Vincent's eyes of china blue.
Colors changing hue, morning field of amber grain,
Weathered faces lined in pain,
Are soothed beneath the artist's loving hand.

Now I understand what you tried to say to me,
How you suffered for your sanity,
How you tried to set them free.
They would not listen, they did not know how.
Perhaps they'll listen now.

For they could not love you,
But still your love was true.
And when no hope was left in sight
On that starry, starry night,
You took your life, as lovers often do.
But I could have told you, Vincent,
This world was never meant for one
As beautiful as you.

Starry, starry night.
Portraits hung in empty halls,
Frameless head on nameless walls,
With eyes that watch the world and can't forget.
Like the strangers that you've met,
The ragged men in the ragged clothes,
The silver thorn of bloody rose,
Lie crushed and broken on the virgin snow.

Now I think I know what you tried to say to me,
How you suffered for your sanity,
How you tried to set them free.
They would not listen, they're not listening still.
Perhaps they never will...

2009-03-23T11:27:00.002+08:00

Snippets of my life....

Brace me and you for the most disjointed piece of writing I had ever concocted. However, I just have to pen all these down because... I am feeling frustrations and angst again :(

Of Bad Habits:
Old habits die hard and I have tons of them residing in me. Delay and procrastination I think is so much a part of my life.... Well, should I say that if I were to imagine myself being a piece of solid untreated wood, these 2 words would be termites slowly eating me from within.. Sometimes, I really wished there would be this pest buster that would come to my rescue and get rid of them once and for all..

Of My Virtually Non-existence Love Life
My trip to Beijing in 2006 has brought me to the Forbidden City and while I was there, the images of the emperors, concubines, eunuchs, servants and the tons of people living in this supposedly grand palace in China started to conjure in my mind... Why the topic of Beijing and all the talk about all the thing chinese? Because, at this moment in time, I feel like I am one of these concubines living in this palace that I have built for myself waiting for the emperor to call on me? Am constantly waiting and pining for smses from this special someone whose identity I shall not divulge coz I am not supposed to? It's pure pain and agony at its purest.... However, I believe that this feeling is something that I can triumph. It's not my first time at this but whatever it is my experience with the opposite sex just seems to get worse.. It does not seem to be getting better and no way am I closed to getting attached. As one of my close friends puts it, I am not blooming 18 neither am I blushing 25. Certain things should not matter anymore and any internal turmoils and struggles should be cast aside...I know she is right. I like him more than he likes me... and indeed it is not something that I am proud of.. But.. Am glad, for once, I had the courage to admit that straight into his face.... Of course his unsure reply was not for the faint hearted.. "After all that has happened, I do not know whether I am stil capable of liking anyone again...." How many woman can possibly take this lying down, smile and contiue and be contended? I think I can and my friends around me hated that... "You deserve better! Why are you short changing yourself" (or so they say) "Dont ever regret this, years later when you look back and ask yourself, what is the one special thing he has done for you.. None!" "Needing a man is like a parachute. If he isn't there the first time you need him, chances are you won't be needing him again" Have heard so much and I know at the botom of my heart.. my friends are right... The consequences list is long.... I know I have to play 2nd, 3rd or even the 4th fiddle in his life. I will NEVER be his number 1 (coz _a_ _ _ _g is). But well, is he my first fiddle... I don't know....

2009-02-05T16:18:00.002+08:00

God hath not promised skies always blue,

Flower-strewn pathways all our lives through;

God hath not promised sun without rain,

Joy without sorrow,

Peace without pain.

God hath not promised smooth roads and wide,

Swift easy travel,

Needing no guide.

He hath not promised we shall not bear

Many a burden, many a care.

But God hath promised strength for the day,

Rest for the labor, light for the way,

Grace for the trials, help from above,

Unfailing sympathy, undying love.

2008-10-08T00:19:00.004+08:00

EYE CANDIES

The over crowded MRT that makes me feel like I am a piece of sardine in the can of ayam brand sardine is part of my daily journey to work everyday. All those that know me will know that I was a cab queen if I don't have the use of Dad's lovely Toyota. Alas, the horrendous rising cost of cab fares with all the additional fuel tax, surcharge, erp and whatever have you had successfully forced me out of my habit.This has become a piece of the past(Unless it is for the purpose of work!)and I am now a commutor on board of the squeeshy train. :(

Honestly, I really hate it and the only thing that perks me up is this charming bald gentlemen who makes his way into the train at Eunos MRT and the sight of him makes my heart skip a beat. Everyday, I look out for him when the train makes its way into Eunos MRT. Just like myself, he squeezes in and gets into the last carriage as well... :) If not for the fact that I wear my shades every morning when I am on board of the train, I bet my last dollar that he would one day catch me red handed stealing glances at him!! Call me a psycho, but I am totally observant person when it comes to someone that catches my attention. Firstly, the ring that he wears on his index finger on his left hand is truly reflective of his taste. I love rings that are irregularly shaped and unique, and there this man has it. Secondly, he is not one of these haversack men that I find at Raffles Place. Sometimes, these bags really make them look like Ninja turtles, not flattering at all. Ok, that's besides the point. He does not carry any briefcase or whatsoever, in fact he is empty handed every time when I see him. Thirdly, I love the aura that he exudes. Condident and yet not arrogant. Simple yet glamourous. Did I mention that he is of the correct height. At least 5 cm taller than I am hahaha!!! The 1.71m that I am blessed with his made me a little obsess with the height issue :)

This morning he was literally standing in front of me when I was leaning against the door leading to the driver's cabin on board of the MRT Train. My heart was thumping like crazy and was enjoying my train ride totally!Alas, my heart sank when I saw the wall paper on his Nokia phone..... Sigh... he is attached. The picture of his girlfriend or wife was literally staring at me. Come to think of it, this should be expected. All eligible men are either gay, married or dead haha!!! I know that I will never have such luck with men.......

Anyway, who cares, he shall still function as my eye candy from Eunos all the way to Raffles Place where he gets off! :)

2008-09-26T15:11:00.002+08:00

Learning Points:
1)Never be toooooo HONEST... 30secs. NEVER say that it is 30sec. Just say.. i am not sure. It's up to the producers to decide.

2)Never be too careless

3)Think Before You Speak

2008-09-16T23:55:00.003+08:00

Hamburger and that was what someone called me years ago and I never can erase that name from my mind....Why do I feel so ugly everyday? :( Am a super piggy.... Wish I could just lose the extra round of spare tyre and flabs in order to be like all my friends around me.....slim and beautiful. Yah I know... I snack and all and my mum is going to attribute it to all the packets of instant noodles and chips that I so love..The MSG and unhealthy preservatives simply gives me the high especially after a tough day at work...

Tried on countless occasions to give it up but it is just so tough...Am already upset and depressive over my weight and to give up all these comfort food is like asking Linus to give up his blanket... Pure torture! There are days when I just starve myself throughout the day but get so famished at night and start refuelling my food-depreived body with all the junk. Perhaps I am really a junk yard.....

Have received numerous "complements" from my mum telling me that I look like a pig and I am gettig fatter and fatter each day and it cuts me like a knife. This happens when I eat a little more or catches me nibbling on my private stash of tidbits. Imagine being stabbed over and over on the same sport... Should be immune but I am not... Love my mum so much that I have to hold my tongue in order not to upset her. I know that she makes such statement because she wants me to lose weight and all but... sigh.... the converse holds true...It makes me hate myself more. When I look at my thigh sometimes, the impulse of grabbing a knife and cutting off the extra pounds of hideous looking fat that makes them look like a tree trunk grips me at times :(

I don't have to be a celebraty.... Just someone who is slim, attractive, healthy and intelligent....

Are looks really that important?

2008-09-04T19:17:00.002+08:00

Finally understand how my kids feel when i lash at them.. I just got it today and I wish that the earth would open a hole and swallow me in.... Totally embarrassing and humiliating..

Well, the power of positive thinking.. i shall think positive and be positive. If I can be encouraging to others, I should be able to encourage myself too right? It's an uphill struggle but since I am already in it... I can't turn back and I have reached the point of no return......

2008-08-31T23:38:00.002+08:00

Welcome back! How long have i actually abandoned my blog? I seriously have no idea!! haha Not that I have forgotten about everyone but I guess it is because I do not know the starting point of my entry. Should it be about work or life after BV... Let's start with my new job...Hmmmm... how shall I go about describing it?

if I were to use just one subject to describe my life now, it would be Math and the chapter would be graph.Math is definitely not my favourite subject and I dare to bet my last dollar that it isn't the favourite of tons of my darlings reading on... My classmates and I used to chant this favourite of ours whenever my Math teacher steps into class. Math, Math that makes me mad! Math is the subject that makes me mad!!!! haha My learning curve is really steep and there are days when i ask myself, why in the world did i give up my familiar grounds in Bedok View for something so totally different and at times out of the world. On the other hand, if I did not leave this place, I would not have learnt so much about the world out there... Instead of just meeting fellow teachers HODs, parents, etc,etc and attending meetings and workshops, I now get a chance to rub shoulders with magazine editors, brand managers, producers, etc,etc and attend not only meetings but parties and launches. Never in my wildest dream would I ever dream of such things but well, having said that, there are things in BV that can't be found where I am now..my clique of friends, choir and my darling classes....:( I think of you guys everyday despite the fact you don't hear from me as often...

Let me tell you a little secret of mine... The principal's office and HOD office are spots in BV that I hate and I feel like I am sent to the gallows everytime I have to see my bosses.... However, after 6 weeks in the new environment, I realise that I am totally silly and they no longer send shivers down my spine if I ever have to face them again because they no longer instill such fears in me. My new boss has the ability to do that because he is entirely charismatic and I respect him for who and what he is. The funny thing is, I am so much in awe of him that i become a mouse that has lost its ability to speak in front of him.. hahah!! :)Will write more about him and my current colleagues in time to come!

As the saying goes, in life, you gain some, you lose some, so don't ask me which i prefer because i just don't have the answer for that... But one thing is for sure.. I know what I am missing out as a teacher... Teachers' Day!!! Though I dont get much presents and cards every year but I have fond memories of teachers' day with my form class of 2006 and 2007.

2006:
- My 3D Beacon plus tiramisu
- A hand delivered card by someone really special who made the attempt to cycle to where i live just to drop a card in the letter box.
- A guardian angel by my dearest dar dar
- A handmade card by my funnky daughter
- A card from my Choir,etc,etc
2007:
- A card made of mirror plus and oreo cheese cake.
- A photo montage card made by a group of my ex students :p
- A mug from my choir,etc,etc

Dont get me wrong, it's not the presents that make my day but it's the love i feel from those who made the effort to make the little effort... I keep every single card and save the smses and read them when i am free and they never fail to bring tears to my eyes....It's these kind words that still keep me going haha!

Remember to show love to your teachers okie for they are human and they need to know that their sacrifices have been acknowledged and all is worth it! Loads of what they do go unnoticed by the school and I think it hurts even more when you guys don't even bother about them.. I choose to believe that my students are not heartless people but you guys are just not skilled at expressing yourselves... It does not take much to thank them, just a simple thank you or even a sms.. that's all it takes. Trust me, it will brighten up their day! :) It costs so little but yet it means so much...

2008-08-13T18:25:00.002+08:00

I do miss being Ms Leow............ miss the "feel good" words and hugs that you guys shower me with everyday and now..... I am made to feel nothing but STUPID...... a simple word but i guess it describes me now.....

2008-07-04T12:02:00.003+08:00

have been meaning the blog for the past few weeks but I never got a chance to do so or rather I do not know what to say and what not to say in this private yet public space of mine.... My life is a roller coaster and I am feeling the ups and the downs more so then before. Sometimes, I wish my life would be just like a bottle of water with no additives; just simply water. Why do we have to carbonate them, add flavours and all... Isn't plain old H2O good enough for us? Without all these flavours, I think I would not have felt all these high..... I have so many of this flavourings to thank for.... I am not going to mention any of your names but i think you guys would know who you are... As long as you have been a part of my life in BV... I think I have you to thank..... Thanks for leaving footprints in my life.... I will rememeber each and every of your smile no matter where I may be...

Honestly, i dread leaving BV.... My days in BV would have been filled with stormy rain clouds threatening to explode everyday if not for all my darlings. No matter how dark and dreary things can be, my day is immediately brighten when I step into the class especially (4N7 06'/5N2 07', 5n3 07') and 4N7 08'. No matter how boring my lessons are, I know some of you try your very best to stay awake and I choose to think that when you guys are talking, it is your method of keeping yourself awake during my dry boring lessons... Compo, Compre, Summary,etc,etc and I just go on and on and on and on like a broken record about it. Thanks for accepting me as the teacher I am and I love you guys for that! h

On top of that I will miss my choir.. my angel of music.. whatever comments made, i still love you guys for what ever you are to me.. You are the International Gold Choir.... :)

Finally, I see light.... I finally discovered why it is so tough for me to leave BV..... Out of sight, Out of mind... I sometimes wonder how many of you will remember me? Because I would remember all of you....... I would be moving out of this peaceful and tranquail school all alone...

But alas, the decision has been made and I MUST move on......

2008-06-16T11:30:00.003+08:00

Teaching is an emotionally heart wrenching job that breaks me into a million pieces... Why am i crying when I can finally get a chance to kiss it good bye...... :( :( :( :( :(

2008-05-31T16:57:00.002+08:00

My wish has come true but so what, at the expense of breaking so many hearts inclusive of my own....

I don't know what else to write. I can't describe the feeling that I am feeling now.... As I always tell everyone around me.. Words are cumbersome and pointless and at this point in time I do not know how to use it. It is no wonder why people say that 爱不是挂在嘴边，而是用行动来证明的。I love you guys tons and I don't know what else I can do for you.... Perhaps this is the reason why i have come to the decision.

What happened today brought back memories of what happened last year.... When my 5n2 left me last year, I was devestated and my darling colleague cum friend, Lay Hwa made a comment that left the both of us streaming in tears.

"You guys will get on with your life, make new friends and all. Bedok View Secondary school will still be here when we return in 2008 but you will all be gone and all that is left is the memories that will keep us going and and all we can do is to reminisce the past and it hurts as you will all not be here anymore..."

I am sorry for making you upset and disappointed but I do not know what to say except...

I LOVE YOU....................

2008-04-20T02:53:00.003+08:00

I do not know how to write, what to write.. At times like that is the pen really more powerful than the sword... I doubt so... My blog is supposed to be a place where I am free to share my thoughts and jot down how i feel..... Why do i feel that I am being leashed... Why do i feel that I just can't write what I want to for the fear that others would be reading on.... What have I done wrong to deserve this time and time again... there must be lots....

Over the past ten years, I have exposed myself to such hurt and I thought that I would be immune to it since all the visible wounds have healed (now i know what superficially healing is).... I never knew that the ripping apart of an old scar could hurt so much..... Someone tell me how am I supposed to feel, how am i supposed to react?

Michael Buble's HOME is playing in the background and I am doing this on purpose to remind myself of my blunder that I made...The author here has decided to put an end to this chapter that she has been writing for the past 3 years.... The last full stop placed on the chapter by the foolish writer signifies the end of this episode.

2008-04-14T11:41:00.004+08:00

WHAT TEACHERS MAKE

The dinner guests were sitting around the table discussing life. One man, a CEO, decided to explain the problem with education. He argued, "What's a kid going to learn from someone who decided his best option in life was to become a teacher?" He reminded the other dinner guests what they say about teachers: "Those who can, do. Those who can't, teach."

To stress his point he said to another guest; "You're a teacher, Bonnie. Be honest. What do you make?"

Bonnie, who had a reputation for honesty and frankness replied, "You want to know what I make? (She paused for a second, then began...) "Well, I make kids work harder than they ever thought they could. I make a C+ feel like the Congressional Medal of Honor. I make kids sit through 40 minutes of class time when their parents can't make them sit for 5 without an I Pod, Game Cube or movie rental.
You want to know what I make?" (She paused again and looked at each and every person at the table.)
''I make kids wonder.
I make them question.
I make them apologize and mean it.
I make them have respect and take responsibility for their actions.
I teach them to write and then I make them write. Keyboarding isn't everything.
I make them read, read, read.
I make them show all their work in math. They use their God given brain, not the man-made calculator.
I make my students from other countries learn everything they need to know in English while preserving their unique cultural identity.
I make my classroom a place where all my students feel safe. I make my students stand, placing their hand over their heart to say the Pledge.
Finally,
I make them understand that if they use the gifts they were given, work hard, and follow their hearts, they can succeed in life." (Bonnie paused one last time and then continued.) "Then, when people try to judge me by what I make, with me knowing money isn't everything, I can hold my head up high and pay no attention because they are ignorant...

You want to know what I make? I MAKE A DIFFERENCE . What do you make Mr. CEO?" His jaw dropped, he went silent.

AFTERTHOUGHTS
One of my ex-colleagues sent this to me via the email and as I was reading it, i found myself empathising and agreeing with exactly what the author had written.. After my performance bonus was released, I was utterly disappointed, bitter and disillusioned. I HATED everything and BLAMED everyone. In short, I was not somebody whom you would want to encounter and have any dealings with for the fear that I would snap your head off!!

In retrospect, when I look at my guardian angels geared with their sweet acts and words, and the dozens and tons of heartwarming smiles and greetings that I receive from the students every day, I think I have received a Grade A for my performance. Many of those who received the higher monetary rewards, may have never received what I have! Hmmm, time for a little secret of mine that I will share freely now.. I save smses and keep the cards and notes that my students have written and read them when I am feeling down (which is very often). In fact, this is my source of fuel when I need to recharge!

Now for the real question and I am seriously wondering... Have I made a difference in anyone's life?

2008-03-28T17:52:00.002+08:00

4 years 3 months..... That is how long I have been in service and every year since 2006, at around this period, I will be dealt with this fatal blow that will always weaken my immune system, making it difficult to carry on.... Yes, I failed to get my promotion again... All because of the grade I was given 2 years ago.. Acoording to rules and regulations, I need to wait for another one more year.... So much about rules and regulations!!!! Haven't I done enough? Haven't I slog my guts out? Haven't I persisted on against all odds? Haven't I tried my best? I see my counterparts getting promoted, I see my juniors getting promoted but me.. I am still here at hantak kaki position.... I am not moving up, I am not going anywhere... Imagine yourself being a rock lying in the middle of a stream and everyone is just stepping on you to get ahead and across... The pain and disappointment is killing me silently. This is a taboo subject that I avoid mentioning, and I avoid blogging but I can't stand it no more.. I need to write it all out.. I feel that I am the lousiest at what I do.. I feel that nothing I do has made a difference in the life of anyone....

As Shakespear wrote, "All the world is a stage and all men are merely players.." It's hard to pretend that everything is right and be the insane Ms Leow in class... Sometimes the Ms Leow is really crying silently inside, asking herself if what she has done is right.. You know as the cloze passage wrote.. Her shoulders shook as she was sobbing uncontrollably.. That was exactly how I felt in class today. Yet I could not show my true emotions.... I had to wear my million watt smile and continue my role for the show must go on. I made a mental note to try not to get agitated and irritated, if not my avalanche of emotions would come spilling down, drowning and shocking everyone......... I really have to thank all my guardian angels especially one in particular for giving me the energy to go on........

"Thanks for your listening ear last night. Believe it or not, I told you so much, so much more than I had ever told anyone. You are absolutely right... I am indeed afraid of the disappointment... The fear that everyone can't do well despite my efforts, the fear that everyone can't make it for their O levels because I suck big time as a teacher. However, the difference lies in the fact that I am not afraid to try.. I know I might be disappointed but who cares.. At least I have tried!!! Know what I mean? "

The question remains to stay or to leave.. I love all of you but I HATE............. my voice is muted and I can only suffer in silence....

2008-03-14T13:48:00.002+08:00

It's cliche but I do have to admit and I have to blog it down that Time and Tide indeed wait for no man.... End of Term 1 and I told myself that I would be leaving service together with my darling 5N2s. However, for some unknown reasons and perhaps my personal lazinesss, I am still teaching, serving out my dues perhaps?:)

I am now wondering, how am I supposed to abandon ship and leave all these people behind.. I seriously do not think and feel that I am one of the most capable teacher around but I do love my students. It's really going to be a tough decision for me to make I really want to...

Anyone out there who believes in Guardian Angels? I do because I have a couple in my life and they are the ones who always make me feel the ray of sunshine and bring the smile back to my face whenever I feel like throwing in the towel. They make me feel that all is worth it and I get the potential energy to bounce back from rock bottom! Believe it or not, a darling of mine actually "laid a curse on me" because of a comment that I made. Told him that if I ever get an opportunity and lay my hands on a lion's share of the big Ang Pow draw of 2008. I would tender my resignation with immediate effect. Please feel free to laugh at my wildest dreams and I can so imagine a cartoon figure with a bubble right above the head that says..."Fat hope and dream on" hahah!!!! Well, there were subsequent episodes to this incident and more people were involved. Honestly i really felt it was quite funny.. hehe :) On a more serious note, I was indeed touched by that comment..... Want to say that ....I love all of you and I will try my best to stay on in service for as long as I can.... To a particular class of mine, thanks for bringing back the joys and laughter that I had with my 5N2...They are indeed irreplaceable but so are you guys! :p

Am now currently blogging my thoughts at the TCC at terminal 3 while waiting for Mei to be done at Fedex... actually i still harbour the thoughts of meeting someone everytime I am at T3.... haha! It's weird how 9 years has passed and I am still thinking and will still be thinking till I get an answer to my question and I think that means never... Anyway, somethings are better left unknown and unsaid and as the saying goes.. Let sleeping dogs lie....

To S, thanks for all the beautiful memories... Am happy that you have found your angel! May you always be happy and blissful when you are with her.........

Hey everyone, please pardon me if I sound a little incoherent today because that is exactly how I feel now.... LOST! haha

2008-01-31T18:59:00.000+08:00

I still feel the guilt and I can't shake it off.. What more can I do........ Am down in the dumps and I am trying to pick myself up and love everyone but alas I can't. There are just certain souls that I can't bring myself to love... Do I first need to nourish my soul before I can go forth and love others.. Can someone or anyone tell me what to do?!!?!?! Am crying out for help....

Honestly, I miss _____________ & ____________ & ________________ & a whole lot more :(

2008-01-24T13:08:00.000+08:00

Disappointment.. I am indeed disappointed in myself and I question the fact if I am a good or sucky teacher... Many a times I have thought of leaving the teaching profession and I think that I should really do so.... I can't move people to be motivated to do their work and I really think that I have put in my 100 percent for some people but I am not reaping what I have sowed... I did try my best, I really did. I know I can't help everyone but I did try to help those who I can help but it is just now showing......

Sometimes patience isn't enough to last for this profession..... I have the patience but perhaps I do not have the skills.... Just this morning I told 4N7, if they are willing to put in 100 %, I promise that I would give them 150%. But is my 150% good enough or do I have to give 200%. I know that there are others around me who don't give as much but yet they receive better results. I think I only blame myself for being a curse. Perhaps being in my class is a curse..

To all of you who have put in effort and you are in my class... I am really sorry..... I could not help you to achieve the grade reflective of your ability. I hope I have not spoilt and damage your future and I really hope that you will work hard and strive for the best....

I am really sorry, I am really sorry, I am really sorry, I am really sorry, I am really sorry, I am really sorry, I am really sorry, I am really sorry, I am really sorry, I am really sorry, I am really sorry, I am really sorry, I am really sorry, I am really sorry, I am really sorry, I am really sorry, I am really sorry, I am really sorry, I am really sorry, I am really sorry, I am really sorry, I am really sorry, I am really sorry, I am really sorry, I am really sorry, I am really sorry, I am really sorry, I am really sorry, I am really sorry, I am really sorry, I am really sorry, I am really sorry, I am really sorry, I am really sorry, I am really sorry, I am really sorry, I am really sorry, I am really sorry, I am really sorry, I am really sorry, I am really sorry, I am really sorry, I AM REALLY SORRY.... No matter how many sories will not be good enough... But once again... I AM SORRY...

2008-01-02T17:43:00.000+08:00

Day One Week One of 2008.... All seem so familiar... I am back to the familiar premises of Bedok View; The same school gate, the same security guards, the same parade square greeted me when I drove my car in..... However all these are insufficient to soothe all the insecurities and the degree of lossness that i am feeling... I am treading on unknown grounds, far away from my comfort zone and not knowing where and who to turn to....

I miss .....

my 5N2...

The bunch of people whom I have grown so attached to and has contributed to my tears of joy and happiness and my sounds of laughter... When I stood in front of my class today, I knew that things were different. There was no more familiar faces. No Jazrel, Bao Mu cum secretary, eileen, caroline, shao ting, NJT the emperor, Ah Su , Subaru, Mian Mian, yvette, amelia, lina, eunice, atiqah, nurqiah, adila, luming, marcus, jun liang, umar, song yuan, weian, james, guang jun, yihong, hwee suen, zhang shuo, yiqun, JP, Myran, terence Do Do Bert and not forgetting my Boss Din... I miss being the ah Ma Leow that I have always been.. Nagging at everyone and making them realise the importance of sitting for the major examinations.... Telling them snippets of my life and sharing with them the funny happenings in my life especially after my 3 weeks or so trip to turkey, bangkok, macau and HK (despite the fact that i know that I can sound boring..) I could not imagine myself to tell such stories today... The noise got into me and it made me appreciate the things that I had once taken for granted.. The silly jokes of the Han Bros and JP and even the sight of myran sleeping in class.... I remembered the day when the petty me was at work... I got upset with all of you for not getting me a Valentine Day bouquet when the other teachers received one from their class... In retrospect, that was so silly of me!!!! Am laughing at myself now, I think there are far more important things like memories that I hold close to my heart.. If i were to write them all down I think i would takes days and nights... Now i do wonder of I had been to hard on them (though i seriously do not think so!) Feel highly depressive today and I know I need time to "heal". Mr Su reminded me and I do know i need to let you people go as you have grown up and I sincerely hope you will find joy and happiness everyday of your lives! Never forget the times in 4N7 and 5N2!

my 5N3...

The class that has been with me for less than a year but nonetheless left me with so much memories to speak off....... So much things have happened..... Miss the faces of everyone in class, Big S, Shamir Fareez, Adeline, Val, Xiao Jun, Hau Yee, Ana, Minoru, Kian Soon, Dary, Kee Chee, Anthony, Xiao Ting, Rena, Audrey, Yu Da, Jia Shan, Devi, Farhan, Asyraf, Kok Feng, Wei Jie, Shawn, Farmi, Harun, Hafiz, Small S, Dashima, Aisyah... Sometimes I do wish that I could have gotten to know the class a little better.. Will always remember how I lost my cool when i discovered how someone in class was telling stories about me to his mother.. To think of it now, I must have been real petty! Anyway, thanks for leaving your footprints in my life and I wish you all the best in your future endeavours!

My Lao Da and Tai Yang...

When the sun sets, it's always dark and gloomy and that was how I felt when our ray of sunshine left the school for greener pastures... Life in the staff room was different but at least, I still had my Lao Da aka my friendly neighbour, travel kaki, my buddy, my uncle agony and my fellow foodie all rolled into one. Beginning of 2008, Lao Da left as well...no doubt, I had friends and still my bro but no matter how hard i try, things was and will never be the same.. For the first few days, I was like a drug addict suffering from withdrawal syndroms.. I kept to myself, refusing to talk too much... When i returned from class, there was nobody to share my complaints and thoughts with... When I turned and look at the seat next to me, it was a familiar face but unfamiliar person... I believe that with time, I will love my new neighbour as well.. However, darling lao da and tai yang will always have this special spot in my thoughts and heart!

2007-09-18T07:47:00.000+08:00

Why do you always have to be constantly in my way of starting anew?!?!?!!??!!?! Sometimes I really really really HATE you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I know you are better than me in every single sense and I guess you can stop proving yourself because you are the ultimate winner... I lose.. I am the super loser...... However, that does not mean that I will not retaliate...

2007-08-27T14:02:00.000+08:00

Yay!!! Finally, the long awaited re-unification of the puffs!!!! Love you gals to pieces!!! :) Muacks

Mic, I just want to say that I am really sorry.. 13 years of friendship and through out these years, there were times when I have been an absolutely sucky friend especially in recent months...Guess that is why sometimes you have given up on asking me out and I feel that things have changed.... I promise that I would try to make it up. Whenever you need me, I will always be there, especially in tears and sorrow when you really need a friend!I just want to say.... I
love you lots and lots and cheers to many more years to come!!! :)

Fen, despite the fact that you are hundreds and thousands of kilometres away from the little red dot but you have always succeeded in keeping me in balance... When things get me down, the memories of the good times the three of us have spent together keeps me going! At my messy work station, I have displayed 3 pictures of the Curry puff girls... Those times have passed and can only be remembered when i take the ocassional stroll down memory lane... More of such good times to come I hope! Miss you tons when u are not around...

Loads are going through my mind and I can't seem to place my finger on what I am supposed to write...

2007-08-15T11:17:00.000+08:00

Gwen was great last night! An inspiration, an idol and definitely a pop icon like Madonna.. Seeing her in action kind of reminded me that I am indeed aging and growing older day by day. She is my motivation, at the age of 37, I still want to maintain my looks, look marvellous and age gracefully! :)

2007-08-01T09:10:00.000+08:00

My heart is shattering, breaking into millions of pieces..............

2007-07-23T10:44:00.000+08:00

Pride

“It was pride that changed angels into devils; it is humility that
makes men as angels.”

Do we sometimes find it difficult to admit to our misgivings or is it just pride that prevents us from doing so? Everytime when I pose a question of this nature, I often see myself as Carrie Bradshaw sitting in front of her Apple and writing her long series of questions.. the difference lies in the content of her question and of course she is a columnist while I am not!

We often complain that our students that we come into contact with often have this problem of admiting to their mistakes. If a value can be placed to the words "I'm sorry.", there would certainly be a hefty price tag attached to it. The very minute these very words are said, the person in question would feel that all is lost and why can't the earth just open up and swallow me in? At least, that is how I feel when I need to apologise...

Brings me back to a conversation I had with a dear friend last Friday. Long long story and I do not have the wish to pour all my troubled waters into this public pail(who knows who will be reading my blog?!?!?!) Due to my pride and of course the belief that "the more you talk, the worse the situation will be", I have no wish to clear any misunderstandings and of course I am rather sick of being the one who has to bare my heart and soul and be honest about each and every single happening.... Nothing will change; Just take it that I am always the one who is NOT understanding. I am the goondu who is childish and I am so self indulged that I am blinded and i can't see things through the eyes of others. In short, IT'S MY FAULT! Maybe that will be better..

My buddy commented that PRIDE is preventing me from doing what's right... I really wish this good friend of mine is reading on in order to find out what I truly and really feel... However, I doubt this will come true.. He is so caught up in his work that I would be thankful that he has time just to listen to me...But i guess, there are things that I really want to say and these are things that I would never say straight into his face...

"Hey buddy, thanks for always being there for me. I really hate to see you as the hamburger patty, the cheese, the tomato, the cucumber and all things that make the burger tasty. The burger is tasty but the situation is not. I find it hard to explain my rationale to you... I am sick of always having to be the one to put down this so-called pride and belittle myself. I am at this stage where I feel that everything and anything is my fault. I am not joking neither am I being sacarstic...When my students are not selected for DPA, it's my fault for not writing well. When they are unhappy in class, it's must be something that I have done or something that I have failed to do. Anyway, I think you get the idea. It's not fair to you... I have given you the green light and please feel free to ignore me... Whatever it is and no matter what happens, you will always be my greatest buddy. There are only 3 people that can convince me to accept their point of view and you are one of them. Love the 3 of you always and I can only pray that things will never change... However, I know this is not true and I feel it in my bones...."

The people that can make me happy are no longer happy with me and they are leaving me one by one whatever the problem is.. I will never know.....

2007-07-18T23:47:00.000+08:00

To be brave is to love someone unconditionally and not to expect anything
in return. To just give that takes courage as we don't wish to fall on our faces
or leave ourselves open to hurt.

I wrote this on my blog 2 years ago when I first started blogging and two years down the road as I re-read it, I find it so true.... Am indeed a brave heart eversince my younger days, I have been exposing myself to these hurt as I always love unconditionally...Guess somehow it has become a emotionally draining experience and the older I get, the more frighten I become... Am no longer the same gal who can give unconditonally (but i still try)... Not that I am asking for anything in return but am definitely more vulnerable than I was before... I have fallen flat on my face and I am open to the hurtful words, acts and deeds these recent months .. The major irony is about to happen.. despite the fear, I believe I still choose to give... To me, it's simple.. i do not need to receive what i have given, all i need is a simple affirmation; a returning smile or even a simple thank you and that would be sufficient to put me on cloud 9.... Please, please, please don't take me for granted......

Imagine being in a bottomless sand pit and all you see is sand being piled onto you day after day... You long to escape this dreadful predicament and you try your utmost best to climb out of it but to not much avil. Not only are your knuckles and knees badly bruised in your attempts to properl youself out , your shouts are muffled and your voice has turned hoarse from all the shoutings..... But no matter what, the sand just keeps coming down, engulfing you with nobody giving two hoots about it....

I wish someone can hear me; my pleas, my screams and my cries.... Maybe I should just stop trying and come what may..............

2007-06-20T13:42:00.000+08:00

My last day in taiwan and will be back in Singapore at 11pm.... The past few days have been truly enjoyable (how can my trip not be enjoyable with my lao da and company! :) they are the best travelling company anyone can get) and i had great work out sessions, walking from one mtr to another. Trust me, I did not buy lots unlike my past few trips.... Like in my usual blog entries, i don't raelly spend time describing the sights and sounds of my trip haha!!!! I do think that I should start though... But, am so not in the mood to type it all out as my keyboard at Taipei Fullerton 41 is not really responding very well to the touch of my fingers! haha

Have mixed feelings about my flight home later.... Have a staff meeting this fri at 8.30am ... That is definitely not something that I am looking forward to but on the other hand, I can't wait to see my classes. Term 3 and 4 would be a test of my dexterity and determination and i believe, it is going to to be a real agonising period.. I need to learn how to manage my own expectations of myself and of others...

Can't continue as the key board is really not responding well... another blog entrty soon when i get home! :)

2007-05-03T15:17:00.000+08:00

Competition and Comparision............... Is that all there is to life? Told myself that I am staying out of this trap but somehow, I find myself caught in it. Why? Guess I am not as good a source of influence and inspiration as others...............

2007-04-16T17:49:00.000+08:00

Think I have disappeared long enough.... i guess lots and loads have happened.. You might ask, if so much has happened than the more reason there is for me to blog. I do agree with that but I just can't. For one simple reason, I do not know where to begin and there are several cumulative issues that I can't resolve and decide on what to touch on.

Am now making a mental note that I should perhaps start writing in short paragraphs. In this mannar, I can perhaps seive out the essence and the cru 2007 is brushing pass in a breeze and I can't seem to be able to grasp it. Time does not seem to be on anybody's side and I just get so worried that I would not be able to have the time to treasure the remaining 6 months I have with my form class that I so love. Not enought time to help them for their O levels, insufficient time to interact with them and build the memories... Just like my parents, I am really quite inapt at showing love . A friend once told me that they are different languages of love namely; words, gifts and touch. Years have passed since she last shared this with me and I still have not found mine... I believe I am all three combined into and not one single method appeals to me.

3 years and 10 months in this heart-wrenching and ironically heart-lifting profession have certainly not equipped me with soft skills. Being a crowd pleaser has never been my forte and what I am more worried of is hurting my darlings. I have no qualms about being blatantly honest to the point of being point blank at adults and at times my family and friends. However, I just can't bring myself to do it to my students. I recall days when I become so mean and lash at certain irritants of my life but I do regret my actions after that. Why is it that I can't be more patient and more tolerant of certain behaviours. Can I be stricter with them when it comes to their work? Am I being too hard on them? There are certain points where I live in fear of myself. Afraid that I would hurt any of them by mistake be it with my words or actions. Worried that I would provide them with the wrong advice; I just wish and pray and hope that everything would turn out well against all odds.

I have never been an extremely lucky person. Of course, I DO count my blessings.. However, I am always the target board for most things horrid. The plain Jane whom men just happen to pass by without laying their eyes on. The one who is by-passed for lots of opportunities at work,etc, etc Anyway, you get the idea... Someone whom I respect and love so dearly had taught me the finest lesson in life. Thank you very much and if you are reading on, you will know who you are. How many of us had parents who told us when we were young, "You reap what you sow." After witnessing a spate of events, I have decided to change that motto of mine; You reap what you sow but only with a stroke of luck." Sounds like that coming from the mouth of a dejected loser. However, on the flip sound of a coin, if we do not try, we will never know what is the outcome

People around me are telling me that I have really high expectations of my class. I hate to but have to admit that there are some whom I have higher expectations of and there is always this voice at the back of mind telling me... Stop giving so much; The more you give, the more you expect and of course the greater your disappointment.

A letter to my class......
An unexpected letter from me to you which I have contemplated and attempted to begin the writing of this letter for several weeks but believe it or not I was and still am suffering from the most common ailment like most of you do; writer’s block. But well, I guess I just have to begin if not I haven’t the slightest idea when I would ever get started on it.

It was during one of my sitting-in sessions at your Super Teens workshop that prompted the beginning. When Dr Ernest Wong mentioned the song, “If we hold on together”, it really brought back fond memories and tears were forming at the corner of my eyes. That was the theme song from the cartoon,” The Land Before Time” and that was also the theme song of my class

I was from the class of Sec 3/7(94)/4/7(95) (Yes, just like most of you) Tanjong Katong Girls School in 1995. When I joined TKGS in 1992, I really hated my classmates and spent 2 years being miserable until I met all my friends in 3/7. . Must have told you before that I came from the second last class in this “top ten school” in its hey days and each and every single teacher never derived satisfaction in teaching us as we were not the crème de la crème. They believed that we would never go far in our lives. However instead of harping on it, we devoted our time to building friendships despite our differences in every single imaginable aspect. We spend lots of times motivating one another, studying together, putting up assembly programs and Teachers’ Day concert and National Day concert items. Everyone has their preferences, likes and dislikes and of course there were cliques as a result and I do not deny that. However, when the need arose, we were always united no matter what happened. We always believed in the theme song of the class; “If we hold on together, we know our dreams will never die.” At the end, all of us got what we desired. All of us passed our O levels and went on to further our education. Anyway, we had all our teachers eating their words. J

If we had not stayed closely knitted and believed that we were in it together, we would have lost faith and hope; thereby creating a self-fulfilling prophecy. In retrospect, I am glad that I did not opt for the best class but rather the latter. If I had chosen the former, I would not have had such a wonderful closure to the chapter of my secondary school life.

Time really flies and I have been your form teacher for the past 15 months and 12 days. To say that all these while has been nothing but a breeze would be a big lie; there were several ups and downs and there were days when I really, really felt like throwing in the towel and calling it quits. Torrents of feelings and emotions seem to sweep me of my feet, putting me in a state of disequilibrium practically 50% of the time. I do believe that I have this Love-Hate relationship with your class. But all this is irrelevant, no matter what happens and what some of you do, I will always get over it and continue teaching and loving your class as it is.

Believe it or not, I am an English teacher who is supposed to be equipped with the skills to express myself in the clearest possible manner but alas I am not. So do forgive me if it sounds a little clumsy here. In recent months, things have changed and I do sense a state of discontentment in some of you and that really bothers me. I know that I have not met up to some of your expectations and I am really far from being the ideal form teacher and I will try to right the wrongs! I am really sorry if I have hurt any of you unintentionally especially with my words and actions. Can we start on a fresh clean slate? It will not be easy but can we at least try?

2007 is your final year in Bedok View and it might really be mine as well. My greatest wish is for all of us to enjoy ourselves and construct happy and beautiful memories of cheer, laughter and joy; not those sour and bitter memories of hatred, anger and tears. I have always believed in the rainbow that will always appear at the end of the storm and the pot of gold that can be found at the end of the rainbow. If things are at their worst, they can only get better. Seconds and minutes are ticking away and if we do not start doing something about it now, our 2 years together would be void; null. The times that we are all going through now is just like the sweets that I have given you. They are initially sour and you so feel like spitting it out when you place it on your tongue. However, if you chew long enough, you will realise that it is actually sweet and delicious.

There are some of you reading on who might think that you are insignificant and even if you were to disappear, nobody would notice and who would care but I mean what I say and this is the moment of truth “5N2 would NEVER be 5N2 without each and ever single one of you.”

I would not give up on anyone and promise me no matter what happens, please do not give up on yourself. It’s not for me, it’s not for your parents, it’s for yourself! All of you are unique in your own ways so please do not look down on yourself. Be thankful for the grass is always greener on the other side.

Love all of you no matter how much you have succeeded in pissing me off. Love all of you despite all the differences that we might have! We will make it at to O levels together right!!!!

Never let the competition define you. Instead, you have to define yourself based on a point of view you care deeply about

2007-01-16T09:19:00.000+08:00

Wow.. this is the longest I have ever disappeared from the blogging scene...... So how long have i not blogged? Close to a month i guess... Did not even blog about 2006, my new year, my hols, my classes for 2007 and so much more... Have to start somewhere so I shall start from my hatch day... Turned a ripe "young" age of 28 yesterday (realise the IRONY :p) Started celebrating on Sunday as my bro was returning to Perth on the 15th itself.. It was kind of like a farewell party cum a birthday celebration for Neng Wei and myself... Food was delicious and of course there was the usual alcohol (just a bit of it). My mum was on my back about females drinking.Honestly, I personally believe that a girl must be able to drink at least a little. Would be even a better deal if she can hold her liquour well! haha! Guess no elaboration is needed for that huh hehe :) Took quite a few pics with my cousins with Uncle Yuet Nam's digital camera. TThe minute I lay my hands on those photos of my gorgeous cousins and ugly myself, it's time for me to change the outdated pics that I have happily pasted on my overhead compacters! haha! The oldest of which was taken at my 21st birthday party and the other was taken at my bro's 21st birthday! Are we all narcisitic, I do realise that we take lots of our pictures during birthday celebrations.. Think I would like to do that again CNY! Pretty dresses (errr.. seems that I don't really like dresses though!), lovely high heel shoes (an item that I can live without in my waredrobe), make-up (ya, one of the rare few occasions you will catch me with it! Believe it does wonders though!)

Nothing really much happened on the actual day.. Was a working day and had to turn up for work after the night of "partying" (ya right, how to party with my cousins right?) My darlings gave me a surprise and I am as usual always very touched by them! Yummy cake and presents... You know what is the greatest gift you guys can present to me? Something that money can't buy.... I want you people to be happy and problems free and of course do well for your exams... that is the biggest gift! Boy, aren't i greedy hehe :) Hey boss, thanks for the handmade present that you made on behalf of the whole class and of course thank you 5N2.. Love you guys despite the fact we have a love hate relationship!!!!Who knows, it might be a one-sided love affair...

Had dinner with my four beloved kakis from school.... Guilt is coming over me as I am writing this... I actually lost my temper over something so minute and I really feel like the typical woman that I am usually not.... Can't believe that I actually lost my cool when someone was actually attempting to make me happy by travelling the extra mile to buy me my brithday cake from my favourite bakery (The Patessier) How silly can i get right? Oh ya, they bought me this piece of cake with a musically inclined name like White Piano which had a chocolate treble clef and gold flakes on it.. Guess what I named it? Gold with honours!!! This piece of cake is dedicated to my choir!!!!!!!

2006-12-20T23:19:00.000+08:00

Certainly have not stopped blogging, just that i haven't really had the chance to really jot down my thoughtssince i began my jet setter life in november!! Anyway, now in Hue, Vietnam... don't really have the time to jot everything down and am so trying to retain every bits and pieces of my holidays... haha! Have been away from home for more than 25 days and am starting to miss everything about Singapore.. My family, my friends, my choir , my darlings and how can i forget...my bed... haha! Ok, shall blog more when i have the time too.. There is my cambodia trip, my phuket trip and of course my vietnam/lao trip... Tons and tons and tons to write and share...

Oh ya, before i forget, Congratulations to all my darlings who have done well and a big big hug from me to you!!! To those who did not perform as well as expected.. Keep trying for the best is yet to be! :)

2006-11-09T19:14:00.000+08:00

Dear God
Grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
Forever in the next.
Amen.

2006-11-01T18:01:00.000+08:00

There I sat, with my eyes fully closed and clenching my fist against the metal bar and Wheeeeeeeee of I went... up and down, dashing down the tracks and against the wind.Anyone could see that I was paralysed with fear... How long has it been since I last stepped onto a roller coaster ride... I have conquered my fear or so i think? Guess without my all encompassing companion by myside, I would not have had the courage to even step into the roller coaster carriage for the fact that my greatest fear would come true..must have read too much 5 people you would meet in heaven.. Since young, this gigantic machine has always intimidated me, it seems that it will consume me any minute!!! Ok, feel free to laugh at me!!!! Anyway, thanks a million to the buddy by myside... if not for you, I doubt I would ever have the courage to sit on a roller coaster... I tried my best not to scream into your ears and poured out my fears to the floor instead! To the passenger in front, no thanks to you for turning back to keep a mental record of my "look"!!!!!!I hope my fear-stricken face is stuck on you and you can never erase it ever haha!!!! Had loads and loads of fun at Sunway Lagoon!!! Reminded me a little of my fantasy island weekend escapades with the puffs.. Got myself all bruised and injured because of my addiction to the subarashi during those days!!! Hey mic and fen, I miss the both of you.....

Oh, I had an enjoyable weekend retreat in KL! Without Karen by myside, the shoe fanatic in me seems to have gone into reclusion.. I bought only 5 pairs of shoes over the weekend...:( Ok, ok, bought a dress and some T-shirts as well but well it is a marked improvement from my past obscene records!!My previous trips resulted in a diasterous number of at least 15 pairs or even more... My mum once commented, "What do u think you are? A caterpillar? Why do you need so many pairs of shoes" So instead of the Baby E (baby elephant.. well that was the name my uncle had for me when i was young.. guess it's not that difficult to figure out why), I have grown into Big C (Big Caterpilliar).... Hmm... I wonder how would I look if I had to wear different designs on each foot? Fellow Vincci addict bought 9 pairs and I guess the guys had their fair share of fun! Shan't disclose what they bought but anyway I was highly intrigued by their purchases!!!

Guess the males in the group are now terrorised by the name of Vincci! While we girls go in search of more, I can so see the speech bubble right next to their head and on it is written,"Oh dear, not another Vincci and to make things worse.. a bigger one!!" One man's food is another man's poison i suppose... Man can never understand the closely knitted bond/relationships that woman have with their shoes and bags, just like how women can never understand the fascination men have with ball games and cars.... That's why they say...."Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus"

I miss Madam Kuan's nasi bojari already.. when is the next time i can sink my teeth into the yummy juicy fried chicken plus the flavourful and colourful rice...Talking about which makes my mouth waters...

2006-10-30T18:47:00.000+08:00

Wow!!!! Realised I have not blogged in ages! Everything is fine.... again i have lost my ability to write and to use bombastic and descriptive words!! Must be the marking of too many compositions... haha!!! Just joking :) anyway, my darlings have finished their N levels and would only be back in school next week.. I do miss them.. Every morning when I attend flag raising, I miss holding the ugly register in my hand and using my Mickey or Tigger to "hit" all the 50 cents coins misplacers haha! I feel lost without all of you.....

Has my life really become that sad, boring and dreary as what daniel has commented? There is not a trace of happy thoughts in my blog anymore apparently... well, that is not the case! There are great days in my life too.. just that somehow I don't really blog about them! Have had lots and lots of fun amidst my stressful days.. But I do have to admit that work takes up much of my time and I am realy glad that I have found true friends at work! Friends who would brighten my day and help me in time of needs!!! Without all you people, I think I would dread coming to work!! Here is a tribute to each and every single one of you and I know some of you do read what I have to rattle about:

First and foremost, I would like to say...

* Lao Da, thanks for always being there for me and brightening up my days with your Good mornings and your warm smile. I do not know what I will do without a friendly neighbout like you. To the one who is all encompassing, someone whom I love to work with despite our differences... Thank you and I Love you :)Oh ya, you are a great travelling companion. If not for you, I would still be a frog in the well! (applies to Sujee, Sunny and Kevin as well)and perfect tour organiser! (applies to Sunny and Steven as well!!)

* Sujee, think I owe you lots of thanks too... For all that you have done and your ever so funny joke to brighten the day.. Think we are the perfect tag team for corny jokes.. More to come ok! I must say you offer quality advices haha! Must also thank you tons and tons for
1)being my chauffer on some days
2)offering your car rental service on others!
3)Providing me with both your listening ears and I do know I can be quite unbearable!
4)Being my car washing partner
5)Introducing another female friend to me i.e Val :)
6)Being my Karaoke Pal belting my all time favourite at the moment 天天夜夜 with me！！
The list can just go on and on...haha! (by the way, point 1-3 applies to lao da and sunny as well!)

*Sunny, as your name suggests, you light up my life with all the things that you do... When I am down and out, there is always this comforting look that is emitted from your eyes that makes me feel better.... Love your Un-sunny ways (things I never expect you to say and do)too... Think you know what i mean haha!!!!

*Malay Hua, we have gotten closer over the past few months and am glad to have you as a colleague cum a friend. Thanks for being the older sister that I never had. I think Mynn is the cutest little girl I have ever met!!!To an enjoyable trip in Cambodia!

*Ah Da, despite the fact that our darlings often comment that you are lame, I certainly think you are not! I am tickled by all your jokes and that sends me laughing in stiches! To an enjoyable trip in Cambodia too!!! :)

*YY, love your sacarsm, think the both of us are partners in crime! Thanks for always being there for me when i need you!

Last but not the least......

*Kevin, during the short frame of time that I have known you, you are what I call a gentle giant, made up of all things sweet and nice! You have brighten up my life by just simply being you....Thanks for being my karaoke pal together with Sujee and will always remember the "purple lyrics" haha!! Oh ya, think you have an excellent or should I say superb memory that I so long to have!!

Have so much more to say but well, I guess 爱和感激不是挂在嘴边就足够；而是用行动来证明的!Compared to all of you great and marvellous people, I am just an epitome of mediocrity but no matter what thanks a million for accepting me for what I am... I know I can be rather judgemental and temperamental just like that of a resident at Buangkok Green haha! Love and adore all of you!!! Muacks and to many more years of friendship to come!!

(Realised how looooooooong I took to blog this entry haha!)

2006-09-12T19:19:00.000+08:00

Should I simply stop caring and stop loving and be devoid of all feelings..... My tears are rolling down my cheeks as I ask myself why am I putting myself through all these tortures .... Am just a number in the statistics of MOE and maybe I am just a statistic in the hearts of my students?

Enough said, enough done, enough heard, enough tries perhaps..... am starting to start questioning the purpose of my existance....

2006-09-03T21:56:00.000+08:00

Back.. I have taken a long long break from writing.... think the ink pot has somehow dried up and as usual, when it is dried, i find it exceptionally tough to refill it... An English teacher by profession should never encounter any trouble putting thoughts into words but am sad to say.. that is so not true! I can never understand how one can go through torrents of different emotions daily.... Feel like my life is that of the ECG graph? Or is that an understatement?

Think Happy thoughts!! I had the most memorable teachers' day in my 3/1/2 years of service selling my life to MOE..This year, I felt all was worth it.. The countless buckets of sweat and tears.. Not because I received the most number presents but because I have received the most number of meaningful and sincerely written cards and wishes.... Lots of them made me tear...(am a cry baby remember) On top of that, I received the most invaluable teachers' day present... i.e. the one and only specially designed mickey mouse T-shirt.. designed by some of my darlings from 4N7... No amount of money can buy it as it is UNIQUE (one of a kind).. Knowing that they spent a long long time toiling through it makes it even more special.. I guess no words can described how i felt... Did not received lots of gifts but they were all made with thoughts... It's not the price but the thought that counts... My door gift for teachers' day dinner was the most impressive of all!!! Think it should placed in school for all to see!!! If Mr Khairunan's was impressive.. mine would be awesome!!!! Mr Chong even made a comment that there should be a "Best Design Door Gift" Attended dinner, not expecting one on my table but.. boy, was i shocked to see a 3-D beacon at my place!!!

To my do do boss(who sacrificed his sleep) and my do do bert and the rest of my do do darlings that helped out, Thanks a million!!!

My dear dear gave me a guardian angel and to me that symbolises her...My Guardian Angel..."I know you are going through tough times!Rest assure I will always be there and remember, I have more than enough love for you and you are special and important to me!!! " Oh ya, I received the largest teachers' day card ever too!!! It's now displayed at home for all to see!!hehe :) My mum even said the potrait of me is so much prettier than how i really look haha! Thanks for making me look so good :)Think I love the hair!!!

Do do bert, Thanks for the air mail.. As I said.. really touched by your gesture....Not forgetting the tiramisu that the jing gang made!!! It's the best I have ever tasted!!!

Funky Daughter, thanks for the rainbow m&ms... It reminds me of how beautiful life can be.. When I am upset, I just look at it... haha! So i don't think i am ever going to eat it!!

Alicia, thanks for the lovely pair of earrings, I love it!! Will wear it to school one day!

I feel that despite the fact that there are areas of my life that seem to be incomplete and I do brood about them but I realise that I have tons of blessings and guardian angels (my students) whom I am growing with... Thanks for teaching me things life's lessons that I would never know without all of you.. Each and every single one of you are unique to me and I will never shut any of you out of my life.... There are days when I am tired and sometimes I do feel that my jar of love is fast depleting and nobody is filling it up... But for you guys, I will keep attempting to fill it in every way possible!!!! :)

There are other people whom I have not thanked and this does not mean I have forgotten about you guys.. Just lazy hehe :) Seeking for forgiveness now haha!!

Hey Fen, Am really happy for you.... Really!!!! Am glad for both mic and yourself... I will continue to pray for your happiness... :)Remember to pray for me too.. You guys know what I am praying for right hehe :p Below is what i lifted from Fen's blog... and this would serve as a reminder to me in my lull period..

每当有不如意的事情。。不论你多么的努力
但事情都没有转机时
就当这是上天给你的一个Long Vacation.

在这段时间你可以努力充实自己。。也可以趁机放松自己好好关心在自己身边的人与事。。。上天资自会安排。。
这段时间过后将会出现人生的改变。。

2006-08-06T21:24:00.000+08:00

Am really sorry for making you go the extra mile :( I really hope that you are feeling better now! Think that after this incident, I really should consider giving teaching a miss..... I can never quite guide my darlings in the right way and all I can do is to bring misery into the their lives... Make them feel miserable and small.... That is not what i want...There are days when I feel sooo useless.... I know there are issues and things bothering them but I just can't do anything to make anyone feel better.... How I wish i was some super heroes at these times.. so that I have the powers to make everything right for everyone.... But alas I am not....

2006-07-25T23:12:00.000+08:00

My dearest someone, your sms really woke me up... The feeling of guilt is consuming me now... I really hate myself for not being able to spend more time with my darlings (citizens in my form class as well as members of my choir and some other lovely people that i know) these few weeks... Know that I have neglected a lot of you.. All I manage these days is just a "Hi and how's everything?" I don't even have the chance to stop and really chit chat and make jokes like I used to. Am a teacher and my core business is my relationship witn my students... It's like it's an uphill task and I really pray feverantly that someone up in the ivory tower will realise that teaching is NOT about results.. It's not about how many As or Bs that a student can produce. It's not about meeting targets and MSG(sounds like monosodium glutimite)... but rather it's about the human touch and allowing students to realise that you really care for them and they are worth it.. I spend more than 50% of my time dealing with papers when I should actually be spending more time with our students but alas sometimes my hands are tied.... :(

Guess no amount of apologies will help............

2006-07-14T18:52:00.000+08:00

I have a book written by the Dalai Lama entitled "The Art of Happiness" Remembered reading through it but of course did not complete it and whatever was written in the book is considered gone with the wind i.e clearly and cleanly forgotten! However, the little amount of life experiences that i have has taught me that the art of happiness is simply being happy and contented and to have the time to simply watch the world go by and enjoy every sigh and sound that i chance upon. In simple words, it's to enjoy the simple things in life.. I know it's tough but we have to give ourselves a chance..

Brooding over things that we can't control seem to have become a habit and I believe that sometimes human beings are saddists. We enjoy but hate to admit that we simply love the feeling of being tormented by our emotional turmoils. Without the feelings of rejection and hurt, we don't seem to be able to go on...Sometimes it is this highly depressive force that drives us on, time heals all wounds and this i believe... We sometimes live in the conviction that we will NEVER be able to get over such mind devouring thoughts but Mr Brain and Ms Emotions work in a real funny way. No matter how painful or how hurtful the experience can be, one day, all will heal what is left is the scar that reminds us of what we have been through..... Everytime I meet someone new who I have a soft spot for and when things do not turn out the way that I want it to (and this means NEVER ... not once at all), I keep asking myself how am I ever going to get over it.... but somehow I do... :) All these dozens of encounters should have taught me to bubble wrap myself and live in a safe guarded environment where nobody can hurt me... but i never learn, don't I? Still prone to exposing myself to everything and anything that can hurt me!! hehe :) However, take it in the good light, whatever that does not break me will break me..

Out of the blue, I do long for that special someone to step into my life and sweep me off my feet haha! ok, enough of my lala land nonsense.... Know that is never ever going to happen... can't seem to imagine anyone who will like a gal like me... Really am blogging my subconscious mind now.. Darn!!!

We are not omnipotent and there will always be situations when we can't handle these problems... so when in times like that Let Go and Let God (whatever religion you may believe in!)

Seeing all my darlings acheving mediocre grades for their exams just somehow saddens me but am not totally disappointed... Feel that this would serve as a wake up call for them and urge them to go their extra mile so as to better their results! I know the best is yet to be and all of you will pull up your socks!!! Remember you are suppose to peak during the actual N levels!! :)Hey mian mian, I know what your worries are and what I want to say is this,"You can do it if you cast away all your self doubts... I want to see you back in BV next year too! :)

Have not seen all my choir darlings for the past 2 weeks and I really miss them... :( But somehow, I have this uncomfortable feeling that things are not as rosey as they should be and there are some who are slowly turning into devils? Hope my vibes are not accurate.. I always want people to attend CCA and have fun and not attend it because they dread the punishment that comes along with it.. If the need arises...guess i have no choice but to dish it out accodringly....

2006-06-30T10:45:00.000+08:00

It's the last day of June and am back in action, am determined to at least have an entry once a month despite the fact that i am up to my neck with work... or should i say burried..There are days when i feel that i can't breathe and don't even know where to start from!!! My table is getting messy again... yes.. despite the fact that Daph, Hau Yee and Val cleared it up for me just before the hols!!!

Ok for a summary of Beijing and Bangkok.. One word, everything was just GREAT!!! I scaled the GREAT WALL and yes!! I made it to the top of Badaling with the aid of 2 puffs of my inhaler(yes,, for those of you who do not know.. i am asthmatic..) The view was indeed breath-taking.. took my breath away coz i needed my inhaler and of course the beauty and the tranquility that you see and feel up there is definitely NOT something that you can obtain in Singapore.. not even from Bukit Timah Hill or Mount Fabar!

Anyone who intends to visit Beijing should do so only after 2008.. Saw several silk screens as they are doing lots of restoration work for the 2008 Olympics. Intend to do so in 2008!! Scale the other section of the great wall!!!Heard that the view is even more exhilarating from Si Ma Tai!So we are going to make it there right lao da!:)

Anyway, I have never felt sooo chinese and my chopsticks skills has improved tremendously! Why? All for the simple fact that i am Chinese and it is a majoy embaressment to ask my fork and spoon right hehe :)

The food there was fantastic except for the nong jia fan that we got "cheated".. Paid like 130 RMB for a plate of mushrooom which equates to about 25 SGD... Think they should be called magic mushrooms instead!!! It made me wonder what magical powers i would possess after eating it.. afterall, it did cost a bomb! I had superb steamboat, and the fresh fish for the steamboat cost like 1 SGD.... What shocked me most was that they actually requested that i inspected my $1 purchase!!!!! In Singapore, that will NEVER happen!!!! Had tons of xiao long baos(small caged buns.. yah shoot me.. am being corny!!) and that explains my pao face lah!!! haha Taiwanese porridge there is fantastic too!!Love the pear juice! Ok ok, think there is just too much to say and i know i would never be done... better put a fullstop to it!

It was also during this trip that i realised that i am lacking in so many areas. My history and Geog is horrid compared to my travel kakis! Yah, would like to take this opportunity to thank ALL of them for making my debut trip to China a memorable one!!!! Hey guys, thanks for always looking after me! Lao Da, thanks for arranging the trip and I know that you really made a lot of sacrifices this time round and i really think you for that.. Not forgetting annyd, hilli, dwind and orrisme for tolerating my nonsense and teaching me tons.. Guess i learnt more than just the history of China *blink,blink* only you people will know what i am talking about haha!!! :)Will up load some pixs when i have the time to do so.... hehe :)

After Beijing was relaxing bkk and for the first time i ate road side food in bkk!!haha! Wanton mee!!!!!! Did not do much and did not buy much..i am quite shocked by it myself too! Expected myself to spend a bomb but i didn't... All i did was eat and of course sleep in my gorgeous and comfy room.. guess beijing did really drain me quite a bit!!!!! All the walking did really hurt my poor arched feet... Yah, my hotel had a reallll famous french bakery that serves simply the best pastry and cake in bkk (even my mum who hates chocolate cake fell in love with the chocolate cake that i bought!! that's how good it is!) and yummy jap buffet!!!!

So much to do with SYF just round the corner......... we are all burnt from the hot scorching sun!!!!! But somehow i really hope everyone is enjoying themselves! Coz i am!! Everyone is commenting that i look more and more like a Malay more so than a chinese haha!

Honestly, so much has happened and blogged so much less... am definitely sure that several things go unreccorded.. am perpetually on a roller coaster ride these days....kind of hard to explain but guess i should post this first before i continue with more right haha!

2006-05-23T17:57:00.000+08:00

Burnt.. super duper burnt right now..it hurts so badly now am just waiting for my skin to peel... Just got back from SYF rehearsals.. Have to say that it is an agonising but fun 2 days affair... Guess it would have been much tougher without the help of Val and Daphne and the cooperation of my whole choir including the part time singers. To all those at the rehearsals, these are my haertfelt words of gratitude and i mean each and every single word i say so read on..

ALL YOU GUYS are simply marvellous. Whenever i needed any help, there would always be a helping hand somewhere, just waiting to help.Be it when it comes to the collection of food, rubbish, props... you people are always there.. Especially my first rowers.. whenever there is a job that needs to be done, all i have to do is to request and it will definitely be done without much bargaining... Would really like to thank the cool, gentlemen and they should know who they are hehe.. I know you feel that it can be relatively silly at your age to perform at an occasion like SYF but trust me, you don't look silly, in fact, you people look stunning and cool!!!! To me, people who can dance, sing and be comfortable in their own skin are always charismatic and charming!! I realise the efforts of teamwork and many a times, i was almost moved to tears...okok, you may call me a cry baby if you want!!!! Because of you people, i have grown to love the song of "Lao Shu Ai Da Mi" which i soo hate in the past....!!!!There is more to come so we are going to hang in there right? Yah, before i forget i think we all look like Bangalis now....

A good question that Rena possed to me about 4N9.. then you don't enjoy teaching our class mahx? Well, the truth is.. I generally enjoy teaching each and every single class I have when they are cooperative and willing to put in the extra bit of effort... but when they don't.. I sometimes feel like I am teaching myself and embarking on a head bashing journey that nobobdy understands.. So I have to be really honest.. I love all my classes but.. the students do make a difference to the atmosphere? So does that answer your question Rena? :) Not forgetting, for I am only human and thus to claim that i do not make comparision would be a major big LIE right hahaha!!!

2006-05-15T08:16:00.000+08:00

Where do I begin.. So much has happened in this past weeks.. Anyway, thousand of apologies for not making the time to blog more often as promised. Have to be honest,time is not really an issue sometimes, I just can't get down to putting my thoughts and life into words... Do forgive me if you find me writing in a distorted manner and you can't catch head or tail. The blog equates to my life and it doesn't occur in logical sequence most of the times.

Before I forget, I guess I have my Bao Mu,Val to thank for the blog skin! She was the one that chose it as she said that this blog skin was created just for me and I must use it!! So thanks a million darling hehe :) I love you too as much as you love me and I don't know what I will do without you keeping track of my schedule and reminding me to do things.... Ya, before i forget. also have to thank Ms Nurul,Ms Ng JT, Ms Wee HM, Ms Poh HL Ms Xu BR, Mr PI, Mr JP, Ms Oh YT,.... for all that you have done be it in a small or big way, you have certainly made a difference.. Some of you have taught me how to love while others have taught me how to accept each and every single one as an individual.. For those whose names I have not mentioned, my love for you is no less it's just that I am tooo lazy to type it out.. so forgive me.. ok.. am very sure at some point of time or other, Your name is bound to appear hahahahah!!! :) Maybe one of my blog entries will be dedicated to my form class and I shall write something personal to each and everyone of them!

Remembered one of the lessons when i went in, and almost cried when i was giving my classic long lecture? It dawned upon me that I am in for it this time.. As the chinese say.. The more you give, the more you will hurt... I can't push away the fact that I am in love with my whole class... and what they do hurt me sometimes and what's more when i see them down and out.. I feel the same way too... Everyday, I freight over the fact if everyone will come back for their O levels next year.. I do want to see all your faces sitting in my class.. I know I might not be the most fantastic teacher but i am willing to try.. do let me know if i can be of any help to any of you.....

Hey you know what, in fact I promised myself that i should stop nagging since last friday... but it's just sooo difficult.... if my nagging can be a constant reminder to anybody and allow someone to wake up then let me be hated!! At times i wonder whether everything is worth it..

Teaching is a head bashing job that nobody understands... not even my buddies....What hurt me most came when my friend started to insult my job...commenting that I spend far to much time with my students.. Why must I always be there for them and listen to them and all...can't i just not care too much about them.. Am I paid extra when I do this.. To them, I am being silly, being a nosey poker..Ok, I know.. I am not in the "in the know" industry, neither am in a industry that people look up to and say wow... I work hard but I don't get any glamour in the end, unlike you guys.. What i want to say is this I love my kids not really the job but my students.. they are the only reason why I wake up in the morning and look forward to coming to school!! I enjoy being with them, love being their listening ear and their shoulder to cry on..Please see some value in what I do...

My friend must have shocked ms darling the other day when she gave me a good lashing over msn the other day ...Had to pretend that I was fine but the truth is I am really sadded by it.. but.. what to do... :( guess our priorities are different now.. no matter what, she will always be my buddy and I will always love her..

I know I am opening up another Pandora Box when I start writing about this as people would think that I am hankering over the award which i am not but this is something that i really feel very strongly about after all that has happened...To all those reading on.. I think if you are given a chance to nominate a teacher for the caring award. You should give true thoughts of what he or she has done for you.. It's not the awards that your teachers hanker over but rather it's the recognition that your teachers need... Just like how you would like us to recngnise you for your efforts when you do well.. We need them too for we are also human... Guess the above paragraph was in relation to what my friend screamed at me for and what happened over the weekend..

On the upside, went to Sebana Cove with the travelling gang over the long weekend.. Had lots of fun and ate sooo much sea food that i think if i were to go for a cholestrol test now.. the results is sure to shoot through the roof hahaha!!!! Lobsters, crabs, mantis prawns, squid, you name it, we ate it! Felt so accomplished though as I marked 3 sets of compositions!!! Hey guys, thanks for the motivation!Without your company, i think even 3 pieces would be a problem! haha. Over the long weekend, I did not get a chance to see my classes and somehow, I do miss them all very much.. the other group of people that I miss would be my choir i guess! Have not seen them for sooo long.... hope they are all doing well and studying hard!!!

Hmm.. sometimes I think I am spending more and more time with my friends and students but less time with my mum and dad.. think i must really make it a point to do something about it soon... Miss mummy's cooking though she seldom cooks.. but mum, I really LOVE your yummy cooking!!! hehe :)

Ok, it's back to work... maybe blog tomorrow? "Yah Yah.. as if" this must be the speech bubble in your head for I can sooo read your mind haha!

2006-04-18T11:24:00.000+08:00

Am back in action!!! Haven't had the time to even log on to blogspot.com to update my blog and i guess several events and snippets in my life must have gone unrecorded and therefore gone with the wind! Think my english classes have heard this numerous times but i really wish i was a better writer. There is no qualms that i can write grammatically sound sentences with NOT much glaring errors in them. But i still wish i wish my words are more powerful than the sword..Anyway, that's besides the point haha!

Had a fairly enjoyable time these past few weeks despite the fact that my work load is really on the upside!! More ups than downs I presume constitutes a good week haha!!!! Met up with some of my darlings at bugis and boy did we laugh our heads off.. Guess the identities of these peope and the silly jokes and gossips involve should remain in anonymous huh :P I guess my current form class has made me realise how students can make teaching so enjoyable! But alas, I also have to admit that the exact people going by the same term can take the joy out of teaching as well.

Meatballs with pasta anyone? The chefs of 4N7 were cooking up a storm...Brownies, stir fried vegetable, pasta, silver fish, dont all these food simply tantalises your taste buds.. This must be one of the most extensive student based project i have ever seen!! They make the best tomato based pasta I have ever tasted! Guess we must also thank do do bert's maid for helping us to clear up the mess that we have created.... haha!! Guess Ms Haha must have had a most memorable birthday coupled with all of our best wishes! By the way, 4N7 is now a DODO class.. am now trying to find a do do name for everyone.. my greatest wish is that all of them can come back and do their O levels next year!!!!!! really.... at this juncture, i really wonder how 5N1 of JYSS is doing now... somehow i will always think of them once in a while...

Class painting was fun too and i think i have to thank the whole gang that chipped in. Special thanks to Din for coming up with the design and choosing the colours, JP, Philbert, Baoru, Myran, Lu Ming, Surina and last but not least Anastasia.. Thanks for extending your helping hands, i really appreciate it!

Oh ya, i must not forget to thank the badminton girls for the yummy slice of choco banana cake that came along with the "cream" bath that i had!!! It's great knowing you guys and all of you should be known as Steven's Angels... :)

Guess i had a great student bonding week and and i can't wait for more to come! Have had so much good times and i don't think the esscence can truly be captured just by my simplistic writing! Thanks be to all who have shared your thoughts with me and rest assure i will never judge you guys and in fact i can empathy what you people go through sometimes.. in fact, i did not become what i am today without going through what you have been through!!!! hehe :)Experiences is what makes a person stronger and please don't think that your problems are far too trival for me and thus i will not understand because i do!!

As PX said, the choir managed to make my blood boil on thurs.. am sorry for not being the usual funny and comical ms leow but i guess sometimes, i have to be cruel to be kind... I hope whatever i have said will remain fresh in your minds... Honestly think it pains my heart to have lash at you.. May that scene not be repeated again!! Anyway, shall we organise a BBQ or an outing soon ? hehe

Anyway, guess where am i blogging now! CCSS.. see you guys back in school later!! It's choir dancing day today!! :)

2006-03-28T18:58:00.000+08:00

I have reached the point of no return and there is no turning back..Point of confusion and the only help i can sought is divine help and intercession needed..

2006-03-19T20:21:00.000+08:00

Qing Ming season is here again.. Did it exceptionally early this year as my parents are leaving for Perth on tues... Off to visit my bro and yes this means I would be HOME ALONE for the next 2 weeks or so... Arrgh... and yes this would mean I have to do my own laundry (I need to learn how to use the washing machine..), settle my own meals (Ok, i do this most of the time....)But I guess, it also provides me with a time and space to reflect... haha!Somehow, I feel that I really don't have that much of a time to do just that.. but... let's just see how things go...

Guess we might jolly well be the noisiest family in the columbarium today... why? All due to our darling Charlie Brown "Josh" haha! Made it a pact that we would never let him know that he looks like one despite the fact that the resemblance is getting uncanningly similar day by day! Grandad took the long route.. and arrived late while we were all awaiting for his grand arrival.. As usual, he insisted his route was the shortest and therefore, the best... haha!Anyway, while i was on my way, i was deep in thought, ondering if i would meet the simple looking girl who sits cross-legged on the cold floor, offering her prayers in silence. I never fail to meet each time I vist the columbarium(not that i visit my grandma's niche every weekend).... My mum and i figured that she is the most filial person we have ever met....quite a touching sight i suppose. Each visit to the colombarium always brings tears to my eyes... Despite the fact that my grandma has passed away for 24 years, i believe all of us still miss her. Many a times, we fail to tell our loved ones how much they mean to us and apologise for the tons of misdeeds we may have committed... Think it is time to say all these.. I for one am guilty of that. I have never told my parents and relatives how much i love them and how blessed I am to have them in my life and walk me through dark, stormy days..If my grandma was still around, think my bro and I would easily be spoilt brats haha!

Fine, sue me for abrupt endings again... haha!

Look from the date and you will see how long i took to complete this entry haha!

2006-03-18T13:11:00.000+08:00

Ok, ok.. I gather everyone thinks i am super duper lazy and of course i have not disappeared from the surface of the earth.. haha! One of the reasons is that I have really succumbed to germs and bacteria and fell sick.. :( Guess most of you have heard me coughing out my lungs in class... and finally after speech day, could take it no more and went to see the doctor... was given 3 days MC.... After the sore throat, came the abdominal pains and off to the doctor again... At this juncture, i would like to offer my sincere apologies to everyone for 4N7 who wanted to turn up for remedial... I was really in too much pain to get out from my bed... Have never been a real homely person but when i am sick, i guess i really seek solace in being at home...

There is just soo much to blog about... and i really don't know where to start... Speech day was magnificent.. I guess my darlings would not deny that! They sounded like angels of music(compared to the first rehersal)especially when they sang for "For the beauty of the earth"! But honestly, the song that brings me to tears is still... "Say Goodbye" .. I so remembered the day when all of us were filled with disappointment and worries that we would not be able to pull it off on the actual day... Kudos to all of you and of course Ms Lee for the commitment and dedication.. Always remember my analogy about eating green bean soup and ice creams,etc,etc for every single meals :)Life is never a bed of roses... This has always been my source of inspiration.. especially when i am down and out..

God has not promised
Skies always blue,
Flower-strewn pathways
All our lives thro’;
God has not promised
Sun without rain,
Joy without sorrow,
Peace without pain.

God has not promised
We shall not know
Toil and temptation,
Trouble and woe;
He has not told us
We shall not bear
Many a burden,
Many a care.

But God has promised
Strength for the day,
Rest for the laborer,
Light for the way,
Grace for the trials,
Help from above,
Unfailing sympathy,
Undying love.

Annie Johnson Flint

Oh before i forget, one more things about speech day.. I am really proud off all of those who have won their prizes for their effort put in for the year 2005. Keep it up and the best is yet to be hehe :) Am sure all of you can do it! Remember, your greatest competitor is not others but yourself!

Hmm... I really wonder how i should describe the pizza potluck i had with my 4/7nians the other day... Really wish i had the opportunity to really sit down and chat with everyone but all of us seemed to be in a mad rush.. People rushing off for tuition, CCA, Ms chia and I rushing off for our briefing in the auditorium...Maybe the chalet in July will offer a better opportunity... Of course, i was also seething with anger at whomever who stole away with the 2 bottles of coke meant for the class! To me, it's irresponsible behaviour... Don't you know what is call sharing with your friends?!?!?!!

Despite the fact that I was sick, I managed to spend a day with Ah Girl in JB ... Guess we shared lots and somehow through our conversations she discovered the true issues bugging me... It dawned upon me that i am really a control freak and i HATE things that i have no control over, despite the fact that i am a free spirit at heart... Somehow it is just hard to let go but i guess it is rather pointless brooding over things that would never change no matter how much effort i put in... There are just situations where no matter how hard you try to make things work, things just don't turn out the way you want it too.. Hmm... i really wish i was less a control freak and can accept whatever that comes my way....

"Don't touch the kettle, it's hot and will burn you! " my mom used to tell me that when i was really young.. However, my curiousity got the better of me and of course i did not heed her advice and got burnt. Somehow this rebellious streak in me never seems to disappear with age... Despite the fact i know the consequences of my actions, i still choose to do things that would inflict hurt upon myself and my friends who hurt because they hate to see me upset...

Had a drink with Lao Er on the last week of school... Guess i let my guard down and poured everyhing out to him... I have been acting like an ostrich... He made me realise that when we don't talk about the issues wearing us out and try to make things SEEM as normal as possible... it doesn't mean that the problems are solved.. Be brave, admit that it still hurts and bothers you and let it go okie(I know it's not easy coz I can't sometimes, but am willing to try) :) Behind the smile sometimes is a face streaked with tears... Why am i saying this? I know i am NOT the only one who is suffering in silence and I hope that this helps... I can provide the listening ear...just like how all my friends are always there for me.. Talking about which, i missed Fen sooo much that i had a 2 hour conversation with her on the phone and that cost my dad $22!:)

Met my evilest bro on thurs (yes when i was in pain but i figured that if i did not make the trip out, i would not see him for the next 6 months) Somehow i could sense his unwillingness to leave Singapore this time... maybe he is really indeed tired...Sounds silly when i asked him what did he missed the most during his period of absence... His answer simply appalled me..."DRIVING?!?!?!?" Ya, we all know he has a nice fierce looking car but... haha.. the answer still sounds rather absurd but i so believe it coz we share the common love for cars.. except he for the engines capacity, me for the body :) So look who is the dense one at this point? :)

Went back to JY last night to visit Karen (poor girl is in school for her guides camp) Bought her cheng teng from Bedok Camp to cheer her up..:) I still like the peace and quiet in JY... Am not making an attempt to compare but the peace and quietness is something that BV does not have...Feel so at home and that is such a major irony coz am not part of the school anymore...Always reminisence the times i have with my bunch of crazy neighbours... Just like Mr Yong, Mr Su, Mr Chong, Ms Chia, Ms Goh, Mrs Kua.. By the way, my carebear is a little filthy now.. haha!Bought it with Karen at Taka and left it behind for her when i left... Saw Yan Ling and she really looked more matured and prettier now hehe :) Wish i had more time to catch up with her... but i guess she was on duty and couldn't talk much...

Guess the biggest kid of all must still be Mr Jae... Somehow he has the patience to deal with little kids despite the fact that he is already burried up to his neck with work .. this little girl was calling for him and he actually stopped what ever he was doing and made time for her... Maybe i should really throw my Charlie Brown at him one of these days and see if he has the talent of dealing with him haha! My cute and lovey irritant who has the ability to make me tear my hair out haha! :) Know what, he is really one of my idols when it comes to the teaching profession... Have seen him in action, and he is always willing to go the extra mile to help the students...

Ok, enough of rambling.. should be blogging soon.. i hope :) See everyone on Mon! :)

2006-03-01T19:11:00.000+08:00

First and foremost, I think I ought to congratulate Charlyn on winning the first super host ever... :) No doubt, we might not be buddies but still she is one of my friends who I hang out with together with the puffs.... So congratulations:) If I were her, I would really be extremely exhilarated! haha! Fancy 50,000 and a renault megane(despite the fact that it's not my dream car lah hehe but it's a car after all right?:p)Do I sound as if I have just tasted green apples freshly plucked from the plantation?hehe :) No doubt, I am really happy for her but on the other hand, it makes me feel quite "small" ... Makes me question what in the world I have done with my life..... I do admit that I am a little jealous or should I say envious? Sometimes, I really wonder what is the difference between these 2 words.. Sometimes, I wish that the green eye monster would never appear but .... it just keeps re-emerging these days... *Sigh* I wish I were her though.. If only I was as slim as her... Will definitely take part in such competitions haha!

Anyway, i have a lot to blog about but am really quite busy these few days.. Just had an unpleasant experience this morning and I don't think this is the appropriate spot to vent my fustrations... Anyway all the best for everyone taking their common test at the present moment and I know how horrid it is to have to sit for so many papers at one go.. Bear with it ok for at the end of the tunnel will be light! :)

2006-02-24T10:48:00.000+08:00

Ok, I have opened up the Pandora's box but I am really glad I have done so! :) Feel really heartened that there are people who really dare to voice out their thoughts and feelings without the fear that they will antagonise me or anyone as a matter of fact! hehe However, I think I will need to explain certain things which the space on the tag board might prove to be inadequate... I am really trying to make things as light-hearted as possible but if I happen to "offend" anyone in the course, i seek your forgiveness....

Honestly, if anyone feels I am bious.. I sincerely apologise for that.. really... I have to admit that sometimes I MIGHT have done it without myself knowing it... If any of you feel that you are comfident enough to do it, then let me know ok?:)I will be more than willing to give ANYONE a chance! Who knows, I will have the next Singapore Idol! haha! :) Guess many of you have been to classes and have your teachers asking for volunteers and noboday wants to do it right? Take for example, when Ms Lee was looking for a pianist, there were quite a number of my darlings who can play the piano and in fact I am very sure that you can play it well!! But when Ms Lee asked for a pianist, nobody wanted to volunteer.....

This year's speech day is running on a very tied schedule as it has been brought forward by nearly 6 weeks. The teachers and I have no choice but to make decisions there and then... My fault for not announcing to the choir when Mr Shah approached me for soloist... But I really had no time to ask everyone or in fact anyone for their opinions.. I seek your understanding on that...Am not a professional conductress but I have been with my choir for a year... so to a certain extent I do know my choir members... You have potential but most of you are just so shy and sweet!!! hehe It takes a lot to sing solo in front of a huge audience and I do not have the luxury to train soloists from scratch (i.e cure them of stage fright) Even the 2 soloist that I have chosen with one having slightly more experience than the other is still fearful of the mic! I can definitely understand the feeling when you feel that your talents are being disregarded and how you can definitely do a better job... I went through the exact same thing during my school days.. Nobody was ever good enough and I kept blaming my friends, teachers, parents,etc,etc Guess you get the picture, i was blaimg everyone but myself!

Everyone wants to be the leader and be the best! But deep within our hearts, we all know the truth.. There is only one leader and others are merely followers... Just look at the school, how many Principal, Vice-Principal, HOD (EL), HOD(Maths),etc,etc do we have? Just one of each! But does it make the other teachers useless? NO!!! Without all of us(teachers) to execute their mind-sweeping policies and plans, there would never be great students like you guys!

Same for the choir, there is only 1 SL per section. But does it mean that only the SL can sing? NO!!! ALL you people are the angel of music!! SLs are chosen not solely for their technical skills but there are several other influencing factors.. Without all the members, the SLs are useless... what is a choir when there are only 4 SLs? I might as well name it a BV quatart! So what is the point I am driving at now?

In my eyes, each and every single one of you has a special place in my heart

(despite the fact that I might not have had the chance to show it) But if you approach me and tell me that you need a favour or even a listening ear, be sure I will give it to you(withing my limits of course!) :)

By the way, the juniors will have their chance in time to come.. As for the seniors. let's try to have a "graduating member item" if we have a concert this year! :)

2006-02-20T11:00:00.000+08:00

Figured I must have shocked everyone with what I posted last sat... no explaination or what so ever.. Anyway, there is no reason why I posted that... Was just an expression of my boredom...getting a little impatient and bored while waiting for Ah Girl to come and pick me up... so I deecided to surf the net and found that.... Could so relate to it at that moment in time...

As usual.. she was about 75 mins late haha! It's funny but I guess I am one with immense patient... especially while waiting for my friends to turn up haha! As usual... we did some shopping and ended up buying senseless stuff from the Mini Toons at Cineleisure! Laugh at us for all we care! We enjoy buying cute but impractical stuff....some therapy I figured... If you ever see me carrying a Hello Kitty Box into class.. you know where I got it from! Somehow, I think these items do not suit my personality but...who cares.... I guess there is a sweetie pie side of me that not everyone gets to see.. in fact sometimes, i think it's the gentliest and weakest side of me... I think by far only my close friends have seen it... Comes naturally when it is suppose to surface(quite shy i guess) so don't make me act it out in class.. coz it would be such a fake! haha! Sounds as if I suffer from split personality...in fact i think I do.... Honestly I hate "sweetie pie" when it appears once in a while... Feel that I have lost my realm of control and I feel lost when I am not in control...Am a free spirit that cannot be tied down but still I love the notion of being in control?!?! If I were to use and adjective to describe me.. It would be confuse!!

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Andrea was waiting in anticipation to hear Aaron's voice at the other end of the phone but all that greeted her was "You have reached mailbox number....." Not again... nothing extraordinary out from the normality... She really wished she knew what was happening.....Was he avoiding her calls or were there other reasons behind this action.... A thousand and one possibilities started popping out like bubbles in her puny brain just like the fuzzy air bubbles from her favourite can of coke... Her brain cells were mentally exhausted from this guessing game that he so often teased her with.. but she still found no answer to the question she posed... What could possibly be the reason? Aaron and only Aaron had the answer....

Andrea could take it no more. With her lap top switched on, she started jotting down her fustrations and with every word she unleashed, it contributed to another tear drop brimming at the edge of her lids, threatening to turn into a major thunderstorm any minute from now.

"I can't take it no more. A friendship has to be a reciporcative, it can't be a one way traffic. I am getting sick and tired of being at your beck and call... It's not only about I,Me and Myself! The only 3 miserable and pathetic words that exist in your dictionary.. Craig David's song should be your favourite too since you so enjoy walking away from the troubles in your life!

There are days when I need you too....Where were you when I so needed a shoulder to cry on? If you have no wish to talk to me, can't you have the decency to let me know and don't go missing my calls and messages? Are you a piece of log, immune to your surroundings? Can you sense my fustrations? What on earth have I done to deserve all these..My only mistake is... to see you more than a friend.. If falling in love with you is a sin, i might jolly well be the greatest sinner on earth. "

At this juncture, she could write no more. Finally, the cross that she had been carrying with her for the past four years has been put down. She has finally come to terms with her true feeling, the monster she could never look straight into the eye with.. All her tears of anguish were rolling down her rozy cheeks. Hugging onto her Stich that was now soaked with her waves of emotions, she pondered if these tears were those of fustrations or relieve.. She knew the course of action she had to take but she also knew right at the back of her mind, she would never be able to cut the ties.....

(PS inspired by the story i heard at Ah Fei's house over after dinner discussion sun night.. Have not written a piece of decent narrative writing in years...seriously hope it is still readable hehe :p Guess lots of people can relate to it...... )

2006-02-18T19:52:00.000+08:00

After a while you learn the subtle difference between holding a hand and chaining a soul.

And you learn that love doesn't mean learning and company doesn't mean security.

And you learn that kisses aren't contracts and presents aren't promises.

And you begin to accept your defects with your head up and your eyes open,

with the grace of an adult, not the grief of a child.

And you learn to build your roads on today

because tomorrow's ground is too uncertain for plans.

After a while you even learn that sunshine burns if you get too much.

So plant your own garden and decorate your soul,

instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers.

And you learn that you really endure...

that you really are strong.

and you really do have worth.

2006-02-17T16:07:00.000+08:00

Black or White... Wrong or Right.... Sometimes I feel that I really am in no position to judge anyone or anything... In my course of 27 years.. I believe I have made several wrong turns that resulted in unsound decisions and there were times where I can't even diffrentiate what's right from what's wrong... Take for instance, There is an item that I hold very close to my heart and it is priceless... Am I going to give it away just because my very close friend has asked me for it? Somehow I know that I MIGHT regret it but..... the urge to present it to her is so great as I know that would make her elated and she needs it more than I do... Ok, I don't think this is the best example but I gather people reading on would know what I mean..... Really feel helpless sometimes.. I hate to say this but it sounds sooo true.. my hands are tied.. How very often I had wish I could do more for my students, spend more time with them, not only coaching them in their studies but also giving them a helping hand or a listening ear when they need one... I bet there are many who would frown upon the way I teach... in the midst of my English class.. I would share stories with my class.... Many might view it as a waste of time but I guess my purpose is to let them know that we teachers are normal human too... I have my fair share of confusion and mistakes(till now)... Just the title "A teacher" does not make me any less human... Somehow, I just hope that they do not have to make the mistakes that I have made and trod on the path full of scattered pebbles and stones, twigs and sticks that might just hurt them like how they have hurt me.... I have several scars and fresh wounds from travelling these paths... but i so do not regret it, a saddist i am haha! Maybe all of us do need to make mistakes to learn....

I have a feeling that my most beloved choir is facing some tough times too and I have feeling of immense guilt too... coz i can't put my finger on it.... Somehow, I feel that I do not spend enough time with them... My dream is for everyone who loves to sing to join choir but now it seems to have become a chore for everyone.. I don't know if what I have been doing is wrong or right... It pains me to see my members so tired when they come for choir practice and what's more the songs that they are learning now is so much more challanging compared to what they used to sing in the past... i.e. not mainstream pop but more choral music.... Hey my dears, hang in there ok! Practice makes perfect... take sectionals and everything more seriously and everything will fall into place.. Let me know what I can do to make your lives better.... For those who are reading on, if you feel terrible and want to give up, leave a message on my tag-board(you have the right to remain anonymous hehe)... sometimes, it doesn't help when you keep mum coz nobody can help you! :) I might not have the best solution but at least i will try ok?:) We MUST keep our spirit strong ok! United in voice and of course strength!:) We work together, solve the problem and of course, I don't believe in blame-shifting... I miss singing... i sound sooo terrible now .. my greatest fear is that I will sound like that forever..... :(

Wesley, you might not be reading on but just want to say," I know the pressure you are going through and I will explain to her when necessary! Trust me, you have a powerful voice and you are indeed a great singer! So, don't give up"

Lots have happened today... was sooo worried about the poking incident that I slept late last night and woke up only at 6.40!!!! In my blurest days, i actually left my bag at the flag raising groung with all my phone and all!!!!! It was lying there for an hour or so.. It was not until i went back to the staff room after my lesson with 4N7 that i realised it was missing!! hahaThank God, Mr Su found it.... if not... haha!!! It's funny how he recognised my bag by just looking at my mobile!

The amount of class spirit that my darling 4N7 displayed on total defence day simply left me in awe!!!! Everyone did such a great job working together.. Wei An, James and the rest were trying their best too!!!! JP, Din, Lina, Myran and Jun Ting were wonderful and explaining the IPP process and it's functions... Keep it up man!!It is simply exhilarating to be the FT of your class!:)

Before I end, would just like to say.. Thank you to this special someone... I am indeed touched by your sms and as i promised you.. The sms would be a secret that is shared between you and me..:)

2006-02-15T23:27:00.000+08:00

Cookies, chocolates, candies and flowers filled the air of not only BV but the whole entire Singapore yesterday!!!! It was the time of the year again!!! To be honest, it is one of these days in the calenders that i used to detest as I would turn green with envy, but somehow funny but true, the feeling has mellowed down over the years.. Age must either be catching up or I must be quite used to life as a singleton..(wonder if that is a good sign...) Or perhaps the other reason was because the people that touched the cockles of my heart deeply yesterday! When I stepped into school, received flowers from Daphne and Val and most of my darlings that I saw at the assembly ground greeted me with their pleasant sounding "Happy Valentines' Day!" More small little thoughtful gifts arrived from elisa, shi hui(who so kindly baked for me even before VDay itself!), xinyi, alicia and not forgetting Wendy! :) This sweetie actually bought me a whole bagful of gummies and i can't bear to eat them coz they look so pretty sitting on my messy table haha!! Not only that, I love her simple-looking yet filled with love card :)Daphne amazed me with her generosity when she bought the whole choir candies!!!! Felt so ashmad of myself.. think it's time for me to do something nice for them...

Anyway, Din, there is nothing wrong with your pronunciation and though your English is not fantastic, I still deem it as listenable? hehe :) So you are not the one with bad English.. rather i am the one who requires a hearing aid!!!! :p Ghost instead of rose?!?!?! What was i thinking about?!?!?!

No doubt, I did not have any Valentine in particular but receiving all these little tokens and greetings of well-wishers made me feel so love too... :)Maybe without these, I would have felt even worse!!! haha! So thanks a million to everyone who had contributed to my "feel-good" day with their kind words and gestures :) Oh ya, my darling evil bro called me too.. all the way from Manilla.. somehow i have to give him credit.. no matter how dar he maybe, he never fails to give me a call on important days i.e. my birthday, valentines' day, xmas, new year,etc!!

Have much to blog about IPP, will do so tomorrow.. coz the Harry Potter lying on my table is beckoning me.... haha!!!! :) Till tomorrow....:)

2006-02-10T19:14:00.000+08:00

The work on my desk is piling up(as usual) just think that i have soo much to share, so much to reflect upon but the sad and tragic thing is that time is not on my side and it's never sufficient.. Am trying to set the right tone for the year 2006 but it proves to be difficult.... My marking is piling up but all i have time for is to try to clear my admin!!!! It's getting dreary.. but on the upside, i do think that i am enjoying myself teaching my classes despite the fact that some people are beginning to push their luck and testing my systems....

Know that two of my dearest from 4N7 wouldnt be reading on and I shan't make use of the web space to humiliate u.... but I guess i have to air my grieviences.... It irks me and hurts me that I have to pick up the phone and make unpleasant calls to your parents..... As what Mr Sng yelled on top of his voice that day.... "The school is not a hotel! It's not a place that u appear and disappear as and when u like to..... " Come on, wake up your ideas, i really have had enough...I love my form class but they still lack class spirit... but i do sense and improvement... Know that i can get naggy but i guess that is part of my job.. I DO NOT ENJOY IT.. but I HAVE NO CHOICE!!!!!!

Had a chat with Andre on MSN the other day.. and I am really really proud of the achievements he has made and how far he has come along since i knew him as a sec 1 boy at BSS.... He was my naughty yet lovable student...Sitting on a two legged chair haha! Was exceptionally touched by him when my supervisor came to observe my lesson when i was a trainee teacher.. This sweet boy of mine tried his best to keep quiet so that he doesn't disrupt my lesson and also participated actively!!!:) Will always remember the times when i taught him tuition too... I guess the satisfaction was in knowing that i was not only helped him accademically but also providing him with an avenue to vent his fustration..learnt alot from him too.. Thanks Andre.... I NEVER judge any of my students but instead... try to see things from their point of view.... though i have to admit that there are times when i am terribly unsuccessful... Andre, keep it up!!!! Don't give yourself soo much stress and pressure.. I know u can do it!!!!! You have already proven yourself!!! :)

Caught Cassanova last night and thought it was a good movie but apparently not everyone thinks so.. When i was walking out of the theatres, accidentally overheard the conversation an extremely young couple was having.... Was quite puzzled by the content as they were saying the show was exceptionally boring? *Sigh* sad to say but I really think only mindless movies would "intrigue" and appeal to them.... My friend made quite a good suggestion!!! We shall go and grab the DVDs for Moulin Rogue and Perhaps Love and just watch at over at his place haha!!! Know what.. sappy romantic movies always make me think about "K" ....

Ok, will blog more tomorrow... that is IF i have the TIME.. hehe :)

2006-02-02T18:30:00.000+08:00

Everyone has been asking me about CNY.. so here is a brief summary of what i did... I don't receive much ang pow because i actually spend all my CNY hols with my whole clan (i.e.my dad's siblings and my cousins)We actually practice the habit of house hopping haha! Several jokes were cracked and I have to admit that despite the fact that Joshua can be really irritaiting at times, he never fails to bring smiles and gaffaws to our lives when we get together. I guess I am really lucky to have a relatively closely knitted family... I really pray that all these that I have would last for ages to come.. :)

At times, I wonder how grandad feels when all of us gather at the dinning table and have dinner together.. This feeling was so intensene, especially at the dining table at Aunt Khee's house. Only Neng Yang, Neng Wei and my bro was seated at the smaller table coz the main dinning table wasn't big enough to accomodate all of us haha! Ah Fei went to Poh Gek's house and Ah Boy.... where else can he be.. but at Alice's place right? hehe :) Speaking of which, I think I deserve a pat on the back because I finally made an attempt to talk to her and I figured out that this was my way to show acceptance.... Can't change things so accept it haha! Hmm.. at least i know that non of my cousins would be reading on, so I can express my feelings freely! I kind of felt that she was an "intruder", breaking the bond that the 4 of us have... It's weird but true.... now I finally learnt why sometimes Mothers can't stand daughter-in-laws.. haha!!! Anyway, I think I am out of that vicious cycle.. Just hope that she will really love him and may the live in bliss and happiness when they get married at the end of the year...

*Sigh* my mum is trying to "sell" me off officially eversince Ah Boy announced his plans to get hitched in Nov... She spares no opportunity in annoucing to everyone to introduce men to me... (and of course Ah Fei) Why can't she understand that if things are meant to be, then it will happen.. if they are not, then so be it!!! Honestly, sometimes, I feel like giving up on looking for "The One"... Think I have had my fair share of tears and all... I really wonder how people know that this is the person they want to spend the rest of their lives with.... At the present moment, I cannot imgaine that happening to me... Guess that is why I am still a swinging single haha! Of course. there are times when i wish to find someone too.. but well.. I doubt anyone in their right sense of mind will date me... Not that much a beautiful and gorgeous babe in the eyes of men.. :(

Ok, going to cheryl's house for crabs now! Blog more tomorrow!!! :)

2006-02-01T08:17:00.000+08:00

Happy CNY everyone! Thousand of apologies to those who are avid readers of my blog.. I really have a lot to write and actually quite a bit to share.... Think like most people, I do have my up days and my down days.... Just finsished 4 lessons in a row and am a bit tired... so give me a little time to organise my thoughts.. will try to blog more tonight! no promises though... haha

Have to attend a briefing now.. all the way at MOE.... :(

2006-01-24T18:25:00.000+08:00

Bumped into Ivan last friday in school and had a short but insightful chat with him... Tears were forming at the brim of my eye, threatening to roll out of its sockets anytime and i really had a hard time controlling it!!(in fact, i am so worried it might haha!! Think Ivan would have been so embarrassed, wouldn't you?) I was really touched by his response to my questions about him joining the nursing profession.. Way to go Ivan!!! Am really touched and blessed to have selfless students like Mimi and yourself.. It's not being a nurse but it's one of the most gratifying jobs.. Satisfaction that can't be mentioned by any units of measurements. It was at this point that i realised that my satisfaction in teaching is not the number of As that my students can produce but rather the knowing that they have grown to be confident people with a sense of morality and responsibilities.. There are times when i so really want to give up but it's ALL of you that keeps me going.. I really wish i am more equip to teach this lesson LIFE...A marvellous but yet at times ugly notion... I really dread to see the ugly side of the human kind but *sigh* it is reflected everyday as a constant reminder that no matter how beautiful something is, there is still an untold side... It's so sad to see how imperfect we can be.. but with imperfection comes improvements right?:)

Yesterday my darling form class was creating a lantern under the leadership of my Chairperson Saifuddin and Vice Chairperson Jun Ting.. of course they had the help of several others like muneer, amelia, surina, JP(who left half way as he claimed he had a session with Dota?!?!?!).. if i have missed out any names, i hope i am forgiven!! :) anyway, anastasia lent a helping hand too!! Thank you very much!!Seeing you guys having so much fun just brought me back to my sec school days.. Everything was soo care-free..

Saifuddin said something that struck me and i guess it holds so true for everyone who is running the rat race and has forgotten about the simpler things in life and the detrimental effects of competition... The fun is in the process, it does not matter whether we emerge champions in the end! Anyway, Prosper Dog looks quite cute with its rabbit-like ears and deep within my hearts, they are already the champions!!!!! 4n7, no matter what, I will be there for you... and i really hope we can build the 4/7 spirit.. Oh yah,before i forget, i was from the class of 4/7 (Four Seben, that was what we called ourselves) too.. 11 years ago haha :)

Ok, i think i have rattled enough and i am really quite tired already... had a realll long day.... supposed i need the rest.. Have to say choir practice was fun as usual! :) Somehow they never fail to brighten my day after a hard day at work... Before I forget, Ivan, I promise that i will try to blog more often!really.. am making a conscious effort ok! :) *sigh* somehow i really wish I could write more about how i am feeling but i figured somethings are better left unsaid.....

2006-01-16T23:27:00.000+08:00

Life is fragile, you never know what is going to happen the very next minute..... A phone call from my ex class mate awakened me to the fragility of life which i believe a lot of us are guilty of being oblivious to.. I guess everyone seems to think that it will not happen to us or even to people close to us.... My college classmate died last fri 13/01... he is not my closest friend but i do have fond memories of the times we spent together in class...

We are so busy with our lives everyday and so often do we not have the time to stop and take a look at the things around us.... I guess it is really hard for me to accept the fact that he is so young with a bright future ahead of him and now.... he is gone.. This really made me ponder.. how often do we take the chance to tell the people around us that we really love them and appreciate them for everything that they have done for us.. Am now 27 and I have spent a huge componant of my life asking the "What If" question.. What if i had taken another course , where would i be now, would things be different... What if i had chosen to say certain things... Well, i guess this is exceptionally true when it comes to my career choice and of course affairs of the heart...

Where do i go from here.....

2006-01-12T18:01:00.000+08:00

CCA Combust is finally over!!! I hope the take up rate for choir would be good.... My most sincere thanks and gratitude to my WHOLE choir(no favourtism and i really wish i can write everyone's name down!) especially daph, val, siobhane,wong, dilys,stanley ken and last but not least salwa! Without you guys, I don't think I would be able to handle all these.... Daph, I just want you to know that you tried your very best! Remember what i said, what matters most is that you have given it all that u have got! 2006 will be a better year for choir, people! I can feel it in my bones... All of a sudden, I feel that the lyrics of when you believe is darn good and am so glad that we decided to sing it for the orientation fair.. I don't care how people feel and think but it sounded good to me and it felt great singing with you guys... a feeling of euphoria!(taught this word to 4N9 hehe)

Many nights we have prayed
With no proof anyone could hear
In our hearts a hope for a song
We barely understood

Now we are not afraid
Although we know there's much to fear
We were moving mountains
Long before we knew we could, whoa, yes
There can be miracles
When you believe
Though hope is frail
Its hard to kill
Who knows what miracles
You can achieve
When you believe somehow you will
You will when you believe

In this time of fear
When prayer so often proves in vain
Hope seems like the summer bird
Too swiftly flown away
Yet now Im standing here
My hearts so full, I can't explain
Seeking faith and speaking words
I never thought I'd say
There can be miracles
When you believe (When you believe)
Though hope is frail
Its hard to kill (Mmm)
Who knows what miracles
You can achieve (You can achieve)
When you believe somehow you will
You will when you believe
[Hey]
[Ooh]
They don't always happen when you ask
And it's easy to give in to your fears
But when you're blinded by your pain
Can't see the way, get through the rain
A small but still, resilient voice
Says hope is very near, oh [Oh]
There can be miracles (Miracles)
When you believe (Boy, when you believe, yeah) [Though hope is frail]
Though hope is frail [Its hard]
Its hard to kill (Hard to kill, oh, yeah)
Who knows what miracles
You can achieve (You can achieve, oh)
When you believe somehow you will (Somehow, somehow, somehow)
Somehow you will (I know, I know, know)
You will when you believe [When you]
(Ohoh)
[You will when you]
(You will when you believe)
[Oohoohooh]
[Oh...oh]
[When you believe]
[When you believe]

After the draining and raining CCA fair, I had a big, big sea food dinner with the 2 Steven(s), YY, Glenda, Sunny, Lay Hwa and of course how can i forget Daniel! hehe Hey guys, thanks for the early celebration depite the fact that i am sure all you wanted to do was to hit the sack and call it a day! BVSS is Home II not only solely because of my students but helpful and fun loving colleagues like you! :)

Somehow i do think i need a miracle am mentally and physically exhausted..
Crashed and Burnt... i NEED time to think and sort my thoughts out.. there are things bothering me and issues that i rather not talk about.... Sometimes, i wish it is just work, but alas it is not... There are thoughts that i shouldn't have but it is sooo seeding within me... no matter how strong my support group is.... i know that only i can fight this painful, heartwrenching battle.. May i emerge champion.. I will always remember one of the 10 commandments of life.. Life's lessons are repeated until learnt... I guess i have not desiffled the true essence and therefore am still going through the same thing.. haha! So to all my young ladies and gentlemen reading on... everyone gets stuck at bottlenecks.. even adults.. so we are not saints haha! So to err is human, to forgive divine...

Before I forget, i just want to tell my 4N7s, you guys are a wholesome bunch and keep trying in whatever you do coz i know you can do it!!!! :) My 4N9s.. way to go! i know you guys are lost and the motivation level is low... but you must still push on! 4T11 needs more focus and of course control their noise level! :) Buck up guys, u just have to bear with me till Oct! Hmmm...as for 3N9.. i have only had 3 lessons with them so not much to say as yet... will make my comments in time to come!

2006-01-10T00:09:00.000+08:00

When i was on my way home, i couldn't wait to switch on the computer and write down every single emotion i was experiencing... I guess it is really hard for me to say goodbye.. Just brings me back to the first time she left in 2003 when i was still teaching in JYSS.. nobody knew that i actually cried myself to sleep couple of days before she left but i felt it was a great idea coz by the day she left, my tears had all run dry and i was rather at peace with myself and had accepted the fact that she was leaving. On the night before she left, she was sharing on how we were getting too comfortable and we need changes to upset the equilibrium if not we would refuse to leave our comfort zone and our lives would be stagnant.. Deep within I knew she was right....things would remain status quo and we would never progress... It's funny about how the three of us were worried about one another but never did we once express it.. our only assurance was,"whenever you need a friend or a shoulder to cry on, i will be there!" Sometimes, some things are better left unsaid. Words are cumbersome and serves as a deterrant to communication..

Back in august, things were different, I know that she would be back in December to celebrate Christmas with us but this time round, there is no feeling of anticipation... I have no idea when i will see her again... If she finds a job, she will not return to Singapore in the near future...

Despite the fact that I have always prided myself as being a truly expressive person, I have never told her(should i say them)straight into her/their face that i appreciate her/their friendship and everything that they/she has/have done for me.. Somehow the three of us are never such expressive people... I try at times but flop so badly..

Fen, thanks for being there all the time.. So many times have i fallen and you were there to apply balm, soothe me and wake me up from my unrealistic dreams.. Thanks for entertaining my long distance calls and making me feel better...

Mic, thanks a lot for always being there for me this past 12 years and through you i have met other fantastic and amazing friends.. thanks for dealing with me in the middle of the night at 2 am when i was in dire straits...just to let u know, it really helped...

2005 was filled with more nightmares than sweet dreams.... there were times, when i was so lost and I felt that i was sinking deeper and deeper into things.. problems that i so can't control and only my logical puffs can understand... I guess the puffs will never be the puffs without either one of you..but somehow i figure the spirit would remain and things would not change over time and distance right? :) For the past 1/1/2 years, i have been missing the times that we spent together... our silly holidays that was always filled with laughter, food and shopping.. Somehow all these memories never fail to put a smile on my face when i think about it...

Tears are rolling down my checks as i am ranting on and on, it somehow makes me feel better when i can put what i can't say into writings.. Yes, I am a cry baby at times but this bunch of friends have accepted me for whatever i am and they have made me stronger..

2006-01-07T13:06:00.000+08:00

女人心事

东区的咖啡座幽暗的沙发里总有几张熟悉的脸
那种聪明带点防卫的气质想放弃却又不甘心的样子

越过她的肩膀空洞洞的视线摩登女子灰色心事
那种以为自己什么都可以喝了酒却又哭得像个孩子

我听见(爱我的人在哪边)渴望的泪
我看见(伤心的故事一遍遍)我的从前

曾经我也痛过我也恨过怨过放弃过在自己的房间里
觉得幸福遗弃我如果没有分离背叛的丑陋
怎么算是真爱过

请你试着相信一爱再爱不要低下头别怕青春消逝
就不信单纯的美梦我在这岸看着你游
为你的坚持感动你会的有一天会幸福的

Don't ask me why.. haha Guess it applies to women of my age... thanks be to Fen for sharing this song with me!:)Somehow i think there would be more lyrics in time to come.. I am a English teacher who listens to Chinese songs.. so shoot me :)Somehow i am hurting and my thoughts are in a whirlpool.. Am just looking for a way to get myself out from this rut(believe it or not, i know what is the prob but i can't solve it.. Thank God, it only hits me once in a while...)!! Am allowed to feel upset for i am only human right? hehe :p

I have to say that i think I love my classes this year! :)Guess you guys have the job of brightening my gloomy days sometimes......

(PS Thousands of apologies to my non-chinese students who can't read it... hope i am forgiven...)

2006-01-05T00:17:00.000+08:00

Ok I am back! Happy 2006 to everyone reading on and i am realll sorry about not having the time to blog earlier... Plenty of reasons for that.. First being i had to go back to school for tons of meetings upon returning from my enjoyable bali trip. So miss the times when i am there.. There was definitely something unexpected waiting for us everyday of the trip, making it filled with memories that can never ever be replaced or erased! :)All of us came back looking like pieces of coals and believe it or not... it rained every single day except on the last day when i had the chance to enjoy the use of the luxurious swimming pool in the villa.. Wish i had the time to ride more and i know i did promise everyone that i would be writing more about my trip in time to come.. but somehow i just feel that when i have the time to write, there is a writer's block, and when i have no time to, my thoughts are simply over flowing out from its limited vessel into the open. Be sure, one day i am sure to write about it hehe :p

The other reason for not writing is because Fen is back and the puffs have reunited again... Spending lots of time together as i don't even know whether she will be back in the near future as she will stay put in the US if she finds a job upon graduation... But well, I think i should just enjoy these precious golden moments that i have with the both of them! :)

Ok, i have to go zzzz now if not i would have trouble waking up at 6 tomorrow!! If i have time tomorrow, will blog again! Hey people, pray that i have the time to at least leave a few paragraphs everyday! :) Miss everyone, and I would like to tell Sad Pig, "Hey, I am sorry for not being able to meet up this hols.. :( But don't worry, will do so ok, and i won't make empty promises! ) One more thing, would like to thank my choir members for helping out! Thanks for everything! Especially to Daph and Val, without you gals, the pebble idea would not have come true hehe :)

2005-12-19T01:06:00.000+08:00

Time check - 0106 am in the morning, will be leaving for bali in 8 hours time and I actually can't wait for it man! I presume i should have lots and lots of fun if all my body aches disapper... I really have my own stupidity to blame, should not have agreed to go wake-boarding just 2 days before leaving for vacation. Not only do i have the normal body aches, I injured my knee too... :( Hurts big time now and am limping instead of walking... Praying soo hard that i can recover in time so that i will be able to enjoy myself! Have heard soooo much about bali from mich and finally it is my turn to busk in the sun(despite the fact that i am already slightly charred from my wakeboarding trip) and soak up the balinese atmosphere... However, at the back of my mind, am quite worried about my darling 4/8's results... I really hope that all of them will do well, and get into the course they want to do in the ITE...

Ivan and Wong, you guys are really inquisitive huh... anyway, a secret is a secret,, so no matter how many times u may pose me the question, the identity of K will remain anynomous :) Take it that he is just someone that has stepped into my life and left a set of irremovable prints.. :)Anyway, he is not the first so am quite used to it lah huh.. hehe

Ok, will write more when i am back from bali, really need to sleep now..... zzzzzzzz

2005-12-15T02:50:00.000+08:00

Think i have disappeared long enough haha! Went through a dry spell of having so much to write but thoughts that are difficult to surface out using words... Anyone just want to say hi to everyone of my darlings and my friends who have been faithfully reading what i have to gribe and nag about and am really sorry for not being more consistant and making all the blunders in my entries.. Most of the times, i really don't bother to proof-read what i have to write.... Well, everyone makes mistakes, to err is human right hehe :)

Got back from cambodia last week, lots to write about the country but i guess really to tired to write now... update everyone more when i feel like it! Pray that everything will still be fresh in my mind haha! Anyone who wishes to know more about it soon, leave a msg on my tag board :) will be off to bali next week and i think it will be a whole entire different ball game coz the group dymanics would be different... Can't wait man!!

Watched Perhaps Love and am so in love with the movie, the settings and the songs makes me tear (anyway, have not cried for sometime in the movies haha!).. am really a theatrical and musical person and love movies that are like Moulin Rouge and Phantom of the Opera. Guess this is a combination of both? So it's a must see for musical buffs! :)

Darn, so thinking of "K" now, a friend but yet a stranger? someone whose identity i can't disclose and will never disclose so don't bother asking who this person is...Whatever, my head hurts whenever i think about it, so am going to stop wasting my brain cells!!!!!

*sigh* time is flying past and in a twinkle of an eye, the apparent long hols will be over, so enjoy!! :)

2005-11-24T13:52:00.000+08:00

November seems the be the season for birthdays.. Celebrated Mic's birthday on Sat and Uncle Hock Chin's on Sun so i guess i spent my weekend living the life of a pig.... i.e. doing nothing but eating, drinking and lazing!!! Spent sat at sentosa with Mic, Charlyn and Cheryl.. Mic's birthday you see... Guess what, i discovered that Charlyn actually took part in the Channel U compere competition!! So now I have a friend who is on the verge of becoming a celebrity... hmm.. maybe i should lose some weight and take part in it too.. haha! Don't think this will be a long long entry coz am still trying to sort out some thoughts.. maybe I will share more about it in the next entry... Look at the date.. smart people will realise that it is back dated and hint hint.. that is the indicator of when i actually began hehe :)

2005-11-14T23:37:00.000+08:00

Popiah Party anyone? Had one last night one everyone in my clan! My grandad, grand uncle, grandaunts, uncles, cousins, aunties.. ok, you get the picture, basically it was everyone except those working and studying overseas.. hehe My aunt made popiah, mum made kueh lapis and my grandaunt got some oxtail curry from somewhere... Have never had oxtail before and I always thought they would taste gross but to my surprise, they were more than platable, in fact they were quite delicious... the big chunks look quite scary though..but the hot and fury curry was enough to compensate for the lack of appearance... Trickles of perpiration were rolling off my forehead but i insisted on eating it anyway..

Sometimes, it is not the food but the company and i believe the the family who eats together stays together.... It is quite an astonsihing sight to see everyone holding their plastic plates and trying to create a master piece out of the spring roll skins that they have.. Why do i say that? Because everyone's popiah does not look like what it is supposed to be.. have no idea what they looked like though... up to one's own interpretation!! Am really fortunate to have a family that gets together on a quite regular basis... We are all fairly close especially the cousins but that in itself is a problem too.. Competition.... Our parents tend to compare... Don't think that comparision with relatives only happens to students.. It happens to adults too.. except on a larger scale... Occupation, marital status and the list just goes on and on... Unfortunately, I have only 2 older cousins, one is a doctor and the other is a teacher... At a tender young age, competition has already began... How many As for PSLE, O levels, A levels, what course pursued at uni level, what am I doing now... So am quite immune to it actually haha!! If anyone ever needs a listening ear and feel troubled over the parents' habit and business of having to compare.. do feel free to "consult" me okie :)

Remember, everyone is good at something, nobody is utterly useless.. It is all in the mind (I need to be reminded of this too hehe)... Look at mothers who are housewives, the seemingly simple work that they do are not at all.. I tried sweeping the floor once and ended up with one big blister on my thumb!!! haha! Sounds like a joke but it is not... so i think i will be a major fiasco as a home maker.. no wonder nobody wants to date and marry me haha!!!

But nevertheless after the heart-wrenching and tiring competition coupled with tears and angst, I still love all of them.... Let me now introduce these characters like in any play.. Who knows, I will make refernce to them in future entries! Can't be refering to them as my cousins all the time... :)

Ah Fei - the oldest and most motherly of the lot someone whom I always turn to for advices, of course sometimes i don't listen to them!!)

Ah Boy - Second in the line of of command. Mr brainy who is a doctor. Quiet but has provided me with tons of help along the way... In some aspects, he is so much like me except I am more of a social butterfly as compared to him coz I am noisier?

Neng Yang - The brainiest of the lot who goes to all the creme de la creme schools in Singapore. I so enjoy talking to him now that he is older and I think he feels more comfortable sharing with us now... Welcome to the club Yang!)

Neng Wei - For your info, this darling shares the same birthday as me and we share the same chinese zordic sign and needless to say horescope too... except he is a good 12 years younger!! Close to me like a young friend who shares his problems with all of us... Also my cycling kaki haha!

Joshua- The baby cum terror of the family.. calls himself my best friend because he was my best play mate when i stayed at my grandpa's place for two months :p Staying there was an experience, will share when the occasion arises haha! Always tells my darlings in class that he is my son.. He is the cutie that appears as my wall paper :p In fact my ex students really believed me and thought i was a single parent haha!!!!!!

How can I forget, my younger brother, Ah Jie - someone whom i share my problems with at home.. feel soo lonely when he is in Perth, nobody to talk to except mum and dad... by the way, he is the last member among the top 4 members(consisting of Ah Fei, Ah Boyu, Myself and my bro)

By the way that is all for now.. anyone reading on should be glad that they don't belong to this list of characters as we believe the the hierachy of power hehe I gather everybody knows what is meant by that!!!

2005-11-10T13:24:00.000+08:00

Have i become a celebrity over night? Think I do have a few loyal fans who constantly read what i have to write on the blog despite the fact that i really think that i am writing trash sometimes.... haha! Anyway Jay Chou has finally released his new album!!! Yah!!!! But...... I have not got the chance to listen to the full album yet coz the CD is still with Mic who so kindly went to China town to buy it for all of us. She even made it a point to send the CD to Fen who is in the US of A! Believe it or not, the postage cost more than the CD itself.. i really think it is pretty tough to find friends like them. Throughout these years, i realised that the best friends you make are those that you meet in school. Things are so simple and there is no vested interest. When I look back, there are several things I wish I had done in my days of youth... Things would have been so different if i had chosen a different course of action. "If" and "Only" are the two most detestable words in the vocabulary and dictionary of the English language. Things would definitely be different if people knew what would happen to them if they made a praticular decision. Think about it, who would board the tube in London IF they knew that it was going to be blown up. IF the young sales executive of Mazda knew that she would be killed by a reckless driver in a routine test drive, she would definitely not have gotten into the vehicle! Well, i guess, certain things in life are just predestinated.. but i still believe that we can control our destiny and our life is in our own hands! Back to friends. I think I am one lucky soul who has succeeded in making good friends in my working life! But i have to admit, sometimes, it takes a lot to keep in touch hehe :) To those of my friends(this includes my ex students) whom i seldom see, just want to say,"Despite the fact that I seldom meet up with you guys, but you people are always on my mind and I will never ever forget the great times that we have had together! :p)
Had coffee with YY and I felt that I have learnt more about her and somehow i have this gut feeling that she is a little like me.. More years to come okie YY! Am glad that I have found you and thanks a million for the beautiful CD that you have created just for me! I love the CD cover!!! :)
Ah Girl brought me to this lovely place Villa Bali and I really love the peace and tranquality that I experince there. In fact I see this as a prelide to my Bali Trip in Dec!!! haha!! I think I will have tons of fun and I can't wait for it! Not an exceptional Indian Food fan but the naan and curry chicken I had there was FANTASTIC! Inhibitions disappears when I am with her and we talk about anything under the sun! I really thank her for her patience especially when it comes to certain problems and knotty issues in my life that i can't seem to undo... :)Now for a peculiar character trait of mine that I am sharing with you... Those who know me would have reaslised that black is my favourite colour and in my life, there are no grey areas, if I like you, I really like you and want you as a friend. I would trust the person and tell him/her everything, baring my soul till they betray my trust. Of course, I am rather skeptical, it takes me a rather long time to open up. I think i strike several as someone who is rather uppitish and cold but in fact once you know me, you realise that I am full of nonsense haha!! :)By the way Ah Girl made me lovely personalised hello kitty stickers, doomo arigato :)
Went to JB with her and Ah Boy on Sat and shopped till we drop! We bought a grand total of 8 pairs of shoes, 2 bags and some accessories... of course the ONLY man had to carry our "conquests". Ended the shopperthorn with Seafood dinner by the beach and guess what, we almost thought that some people placed some unknown parcels underneath our car.. haha! Long story.... Don't ask me why but it was really frightening!

(PS This was suppose to be Sat's entry but I could not publish it! Actually am now embarking on the next entry....:) )

2005-10-14T16:41:00.000+08:00

Wow!!! I realised i have not blogged for ages.... and here i am blogging again, several people have been telling me that i have not blogged for a long time and i should get down to doing it again.. so here i am.. guess everyday is a busy day for my profession but when it comes to May and Oct... things get so hectic and sometimes it really becomes out of control! Am glad it is finally time for a breather... haha! Ok, to those of you who hate reading then bear with it for i fear this entry is going to be longer than usual..:) Hmmm... to think about it the past few weeks have not been pure work and no play for the saying goes "All work and no play makes Jane a dull girl" Unless you people think i am a super duper boring person! haha! but well, have had lots of fun at the same time while on the task of working and marking.. Am now going through my CPU and recall what i have done.. Here goes...
1)Attended a fashion who with Karen, Wai Peng and Sue. Was it the faboulous hot bods of the female models (i would do anything to get a body like theirs haha! Can anyone sense i am turning green with envy :p) or the drop-dead gorgeous designs that they were wearing but trust me i was drooling! After that went back to Mac's to mark... oh ya, just in case you readers have not realised, i sneaked off to watch the show! Thanks to Lao da and Lao er for their motivation if not i would not have finished my marking! :)
2)Met up with my ex-colleageus and had tons of fun catching up and cracking all the jokes just like good old days... They were really my core motivation when i went to work in the past. Never fail to make me feel loved especially my dearest evil bro... Talking about him.. He gave me a call from Salvador! Everybody knows how treacherous waters can be....have not heard from him for since he left.. so imagine my delight when i heard his voice.. :p We have all changed to a certain extent be it in terms of mentality and attitude.. nothing stays the same forever i guess.. but am glad that we can still bond and the spirit is there and we can gel despite the differences we have.. Cheers to our next meeting! :P
3)Had dinner at No sign board with some family friends from Thailand.. On a honest note, i still prefer the main shop at Geylang despite the fact that the ambience at Esplanade was better but on hind sight? What ambience are we talking about when everyone is talking on top of their voices and using their hands when eating haha! Anyway, am glad to meet Bim, Bel and Pong..(Yes, go ahead and laugh but these are really their names :p) They speak very well for Thais.. especially Bim :) Heard that she is getting married and my parents might be attending her wedding in Bangkok.. wonder if i am allowed to go haha! :)
4)Watched movies over the weekend, fell asleep over the fri midnight's show.. guess i was all tooo tired... but i made up for that on sat as i stayed awake for the 2 movies that i watched at one go! Watched Saving face and Flight Plan.. Hmm.. am now thinking what i should be watching on this week.. :p
5)Celebrated Lao San's birthday at east coast.. I think it was a fairly enjoyable affair... i felt it was a rather fruitful bonding session for the four of us (lao da, lao er, er sao and myself) who would be going to bali together! :) Seriously can't wait for that..:) but trips can make and break friendships... so far, so good.. my friends and i have managed to remain close through out these times :) Especially my puffs! In times of happiness and saddness and despite distance, our powers will remain united haha! :)
Think i did far more than this but i seriously can't remember what in the world i did!
Whatever that i have written above are my happy days..Have to admit that there were days when things did not go according to my wishes.. On a more serious note, would like to think everyone who have been showering me with their care and concern.. To my darling choir, i know all of you care for me and i care for you too... I wish i could tell you everything that is bothering me but i can't.... hard for me to explain but maybe one day you guys will understand! :)I promise you guys that in future, if i am unhappy i will try my best to let you guys know.. Actually am not a depressive person and i have to admit that my blog does look a little depressive at times... Believe it or not, i do have difficulties in expressing myself especially on days when i am upset and i feel that the world has turned its back on me and nobody would understand how i am feeling.. Therefore, i resort to writing.. by doing so, my words of anger and sorrow will not have a direct impact on anyone.. I take my hat off in admiration to those who can always write and express how they feel be it in the forms of short stories or poetry...As the saying goes, "The pen is more powerful than the sword." One of my greatest wish is to master the use of this tool and learn to unleash its true potential and also mine at the same time.. my vocab is really limited and maybe pittance in value....:)

Ok, will make it a point to blog more often haha! :)

"Yesterday is the past, tomorrow is the future, Today is a gift that is why we call it the present"

2005-10-02T10:47:00.000+08:00

Mind is in a whirlpool... feel that i am drowning... can't breathe... peebles, small as they can be but they still irritate the souls of our feet... if not removed the minor sores will become major blisters that you can't ignore all because they hurt too much.... Think I have complained of tiredness on several occasions but i am really feel very drained... can't move on and i just feel like giving up but i know i can't... Read about quater life crisis and i think i am going through one now... i don't know what i want... am losing my Midas Touch.... can't reach out to anyone anymore... Ah ren was telling me about her friend and as she was relating it to me... i started to wonder if i would ever become the person... i don't wish to burden anyone with my crosses in life.. have to admit that i am really glad that they are not major ones... Maybe I should really thank my lucky star and God for that... My dad encourages me to pray everyday but at times maybe my prayer does fall on deaf ears because i am not as pious as i should be? and i can't find out what is the actual reasons... i think i am afraid of facing up to my true self... the insecure one that not many people has seen.... i am human and therefore i feel that i have plenty of inadequacies and my lack of confidence is causing my down fall... think i have to pick myself up somehow... can't help it if eveeryone makes me feel this way....

Think all these is happening because of my powerboat practical course... feel that i really some muscular coordination problem... Be it bowling, volley , you name it, i am just terribly bad at things that require muscular coordination... But somehow something tells me that i can't give up... the scene at Changi Sailing club was one of such. I saw this teenager who at the jetty and he is suffering from muscular dystrophy and he was attempting sailing! For someone who had problems balancing himself while standing on the jetty.. i really think it is a feat!!! Told myself that if someone who is physically disabled can do something even tougher than sailing a powercraft then i can also do it! But somehow things didn't turn out that way... kind of disappointing... part of me tells me to give up but something in me tells me i shouldnt.... *sigh* why?!?!?!

Lots of have happened this week and somehow i find it relatively difficult to maintain my sanity... it really gets into me... trying to balance everything at one go... The school is not making it easy, students are not making it any easier, friends are not making it any easier either.... I really miss the days when things were so much simpler... why do things have to get soo complex when we get older... It all started when CK smsed me and asked if I wanted to attend his wedding... Think he missed the whole important point here.. it is not whether i WANT to attend his wedding, it's rather if he wants to invite me at all in the first place!! To think of it, if he didn't want to, he wouldn't have asked right? Anyway, whatever... i still have not come to a decision... to go or not to go... If I could, I would drop by, offer him my deepest, greatest, most sincere best wishes but i would not stay for the dinner... The reason is simple, coz i do not know anyone... haha!!!! :) Nobody would actually believe me but the fact remains that i am actually a very shy person and i take a rather long time to warm up with strangers.. can't imagine myself sitting and having dinner with so many others unknown people!!!!Think I will be pecking at my food like a bird rather than devouring it with enjoyment...

The next comes some stupid silly news from school and i shall not elaborate or shall i say i can't elaborate... What have i learnt.. nothing is fair in this world... Learn to live with it... Some others have better luck than others... Lao Dao, Lao Er and Lao San, thanks for always listening to my puddle of bitter water (ku sui)It really spoilt my day...

Thanks be to my 2 friends (secret identities i have given you:P) and of course darling Gwen for ferrying me home on Sat... i really enjoyed the BKT and TCC haha!!! You guys never fail to make me laugh..... :)

Whatever that does not break me will eventually make me.....

2005-09-21T10:36:00.000+08:00

Wow, realised that i have not blogged in more than 2 weeks!! Haha! Anyway, what is new right? Sometimes, i really wonder who visits my blog... maybe some of you would like to leave a line two? At least i know who is reading it right... :)

Lessons have been alright so far, not much of a complaint.. things are still the same.. am still chasing for school badges, dealing with students who answer back and feel that i owe them a living... Believe it or not, i have actually developed a form of immunity to their attitude.. Just tell myself everday that I have a job to do and my main task is not for them to love me and to worship me as if i am Orlinda the Singapore idol.. On this topic.. i seriously don't think i look like her... i think i am PRETTIER! This must be the most thick skin comment i have ever made coz i really think i am the UGLIEST anyone can find... These are some of the insane thoughts that i have flying through my head...

I don't know what is wrong with me and something is eating me up from within.. I lose my temper so easily and get jealous so easily these days... Arrgh... really hate myself when I am like that... really long to see the real Yan Ting back in action! To all my friends especially my lao da, lao er and lao san..thanks for bearing with my nonsense especially when i just lose it so totally... It's just like the tsunami, a weapon of mass destruction...when it comes all of a sudden and leaves soon after. Cheer up lao san, things will be ok.. remember when things are at it worst state, it can only get better! :)

Had an enjoyable time last night with my 4E1 from JYSS.. Am really very very touched that they still remember me and how some of them made an effort to turn up when they realised that i was actually turing up.. You guys made me feel so loved haha! When i see them... i feel that age is really catching up with me... it is amazing how all of them look so different... but what matters is that they are still the same people... and some of them have opened up so much! Jun yang, willy, kelvin, xuan guang, kuan rong, dao yong, desmond, qiu wen qiu hui, aaron. chao zhong, zhen xian, biwei, zhi feng, derwin and zul, thanks for letting me feel that i am not the crappiest teacher after all... that was a real confidence booster thank you :)

Sad pig, remeber to try to cheer your form teacher up ok, she told me that you know about it.... at this moment, i feel that life is not fair...but who said it was to begin with in the first place?!?!?!

2005-09-06T16:52:00.000+08:00

Somehow i feel real good when i have the time to write and destress!!!! haha!!! I know how lots of students and my friends hate the concept of having to write but i think it is by far the best way of expressing your feelings without anyone getting to offended... Sometimes, one tends to be rather tactless and fail to put brain into gear before enlarging big mouth... writing gives one the chance to re-read and re-think what one has written before delivering ideas of any nature that might prove offensive to intended audience..

Would just like to take this opportuinity to thank all those (ex students and current ones)who offered me their good wishes on Teachers' Day ! Thanks a million :) All your well-wishes and gifts are deeply appreciated and I will hold them close to my heart.... :) SAD PIG. thanks for being the first to offer me your sincere wishes... You plan has succeeded coz you are indeed the FIRST haha! Sikai, Ihsan and Xu Kang, stop trying to jay-walk across expressway and get yourself killed.. haha!!! I hope that was the first and last time!! :) Anyway, it was really fun catching up with you guys... thanks for sharing with me all your inner thoughts and feelings... remember, all that your teachers have done is"FOR YOUR GOOD!" so try to be more forgiving and understanding okie?Know it sounds cliche but.... you know what i mean.... If you ever need a listening ear, I am just an sms or a phone call away! :)

Why do i feel like i am trying to summarise everything in one blog...

Day 3 of hols was fun! Went to the botanical gardens for some maths trail with Karen, sharon and of course my 4 hunks and my ex students... The lush green trees never fail to make me experience the serenity that i so long for... Sometimes we are just sooo busy or to caught up in whatever we are doing that we fail to pause and take note of the beauty all around us... Shopping with Karen at Bugis has always been a good experience but somehow i was just not in form coz of some unplesant or should i say bothersome thoughts that i had within me... All i can say is... sometimes, it is really difficult to put the past behind you and start anew but one has to try! I am willng to... but what about you?!?!?!

Went for BBQ with my friends at a chalet and errrr... we caused a mini explosion.. no doubt we were shocked but we laughed about it anyway... people from upstairs just ran down and thought we were going to burn the whole entire chalet down or did Osama decide to attack Changi instead haha!

Just feel so lost all of a sudden... why......

2005-08-29T10:55:00.000+08:00

Have lots to write but i simply had no time to do so... Bid Fen goodbye last week...had a last round of coffee with the puffs at the Cheese Cake Cafe.. would be until Dec before our powers re-unite again... Had lots to say to her but somehow i think words seem to get really cumbersome... and I just don't know how to express your thoughts and get ideas across.... I have experienced this feeling gezillion times.. wonder if anyone have felt the same way.. What an irony, i thought words were suppose to aid communication.. but i guess not... Thank God, I still have dear old Mich... without her, i think my life would have lost its equillibrium. I call her Dr Tan, coz when I need real advice and not those laced with sugar and cream, i can always count on her!

Lessons went on relatively fine, nothing much to complain about..... All my darling classes were in the same state... no improvements, no deprovement.. so is that a call for celebration? Humans always crave for more, i really hope that all my darlings and dearies can buck up and live up to their true capacity... I know change needs time.. so i am being very patient here... Show me your true abilities ok!!! :) Just to add on.. i was scolded this morning by one of my "darlings" from 3N9... the smart fellow decided to use a vulgarity on me.. I did not want to get onto a confrontational mode, and so I decided to let it rest.... I felt that the comment was really uncalled for.. the only reason why I changed your seat was because you SIMPLY REFUSE to stop talking!!!! So before you blame or scold anyone for your own misgivings, please examine and re-examine your own behaviour... As usual, my beloved 3T11 was quiet and trying to pay attention.. :) You guys can be better!!! Keep trying okie!

Met Kent along the corridor and told him that I owe my choir members an explanation for disappearing midway through the BBQ last sat... So here it goes.. I have several people who are really curious about my "love life"... I have never dated anyone before and let me clarify at this juncture that I am not a lesbian(before anybody asks me that question again.. I know i look like one haha!!) However, there are guys that i have liked.. and the person who had the ability to make me walk out from the BBQ was one of them(believe it or not, my friends laughs at me coz i still like him till today haha!).. Met him when I was 20 during my freshman's year while helping my aunt out in her company in the year 1999 and he was a 25 years old young executive fresh from NUS.... We had some chemistry back then but that kind of fizzled because of some comments that I made and am not going to elaborate coz i don't wish to be reminded of my mistakes.. 6 years have passed and things have changed...Now he is a pilot with SIA, while i am now now a General Education Officer with the MOE.... What's more, he will be getting married at the end of the year... Well, he is a chapter in my life and finally there is a closure... I am really glad that he still remembers me and made an effort to meet up. I doubt he would ever get a chance to read this but I just want to say," CK, it was really great seeing you again....all the best and may you be blissfully married!:p If you ever decide to go into the shoe business, remember me haha!" Hmm... Ouch..it hurts... of course i feel a tinge of sadness that he is getting married as that means one more eligible bachelor has been taken but i am also happy that he has found someone he wants to be with, to have and to hold for the rest of his life!! Morale of the story, "If you like someone, let him go, if he ever returns, you are destined to be together. If he doesn't, he never was yours to begin with..." Ok, enough written, I think this is another bit of info that you know about me now and don't go spreading it like wild fire haha! Anyway, Mic, thanks for being there... I know we didn't talk much about it that night but your companionship was all that mattered... :)

2005-08-20T18:46:00.000+08:00

Taught my darling 3N9 how to set up their blog yesterday and some of them were so good at it especially Xiao Ting! As usual, just like in any other lessons, i have people who refuse to participate... Thanks a million for imparting your knowledge to me. Think at this juncture, I would also like to thank Ivan and Elisa.. for without them, i would not know where to get blogskin(despite the fact that i have not changed it yet.) and also how to upload songs onto my blog. That is why i firmly believe that as a teacher, not only do my students learn from me, i learn from them too....

Think Mustafah was a great idea after the big dinner at Seoul Garden last night.. it really helped to digest the tons of meat, and yes few strands of fries that i had in my tummy.. Thanks be to the 2 great tour guide that i had... if not for them, i would not know that Mustafah is filled with so much "treasures"

2005-08-18T17:38:00.000+08:00

Had a msn conversation with Zheng Hong last night and he asked me why is my blog so depressing... haha! He feels that i am no longer the Ms Leow that he knew back at jyss...It got me thinking...have i really changed?I guess not... just that i have had bad days recently... that's all! Every dog has its days right :) Things have seem to brighten up abit.. the bulk of you behaving well and i felt that i had managed to teach a little today.... In fact, i felt really touched when my dears from 3n9 told me that they salute me for not giving up on them. Well, from my point of view, I have not given up on any of you irrespective of what class you are from and you are not supposed to give up on yourself! Have to admit that it is not easy but the tiniest step that u make to better yourself would never fail to bring smiles to my face(despite the fact that i seldom show it )3T11 were kind of like a bunch of angels today... they tried their best to pay attention and that is in fact an achievement! of course some were still in lala land... Anyway, keep trying and way to go!!!!

After school, had a short choir meeting today and decided and had a chat with some of my darlings... Yvette, Hui Mian, Valerie, Dilys, Stanley, Wen Hao, Daphne, Desiree(if i got your name right:p) Had a real great time, we were talking about songs and the pieces that we soo love and of course created quite a few jokes among ourselves... Guess what? One of them actually said i was a care bear!!! haha! Maybe my size is like that of a bear but.. hmmm i doubt i am as cute as a care bear...:) Sweet, gentle and kind Valerie actually helped disorganised me to pack up my home room! That was a real sweet act i think... Thank you :)Just want to say, "Val, cheer up okie? If you need a listening ear or you need my broad shoulders to cry on, just let me know! They will always be here for you."

Guess it has been a great day today despite the gloomy weather... :)

2005-08-17T19:09:00.000+08:00

Seems that i only blog when i am in a bad mood and big fat tears are rolling down my checks as i am jotting down my thoughts now... Am actually quite a strong person but i dont know why i tear so easily this year.. am so like a cry baby and i hate myself for that... my eyes are filled with salt water and believe it or not, i have been crying for the past 3 hours.. i really wish i could dig a big hole and hide myself in it so that i can avoid everyone and be far from the maddening crowd.... life has its ups and downs and i am someone who can fully understand that... i am at this juncture where i really really really feel like calling it quits... the thoughts seems to be getting stronger but when i read the messages that have been left on my blog.. i am really touched... Thanks a million to all who have left me inspiring messages... Sio, Ngiam, Alfi, Jolene, Wong, Zheng Hon...Thanks a million! It's all these messages that made me decide to hang in there.... Val, thanks for the lovely sms.. i never was pretty to begin with so crying will not actually make me less beautiful :) i seriously don't know how long more i can take it but i will try! The going is really getting tougher and tougher and day after day, i keep telling myself, when things are at its worst, it can only get better... I really need Divine Help... things don't seem to be within my control now or should i say they are.... i never seem to be able to do things right.. so people, u guys are not the only one... i am on the same boat too... I feel like quiting and am really hanging by the thread... am now walking on thin ice and feel that the ground below me is going to give way any moment and will fall into the deep cold waters. I almost typed my resignation letter but i told myself that i will not be a quitter and that is not what i have taught my students...Even if the whole world has given up on me, i will not give up on myself!

My buddy has left for london last sat and would be going on a 10 months sailing trip around the world and i would miss him to pieces.. am starting to feel it already :( Time changes lots of things and i really have no idea how things will change by the time he gets back... for fen, myself mich, we always seem to be able to pick up from wherever we have left things...those silly things we used to do when we were young seem to be so incredibly funny... Days of being young... So i guess youth is the best time in everyone's life and i guess you guys should really live life to the fullest now so that your dairy of youth would be filled with fascinating memories..Before i forget, to another good friend of mine,"Happy Birthday!May God keep you safe in his hands and provide you with his divine help and protection whenever you need them :)"

Something happened in class today and it really tore me to pieces.. I will not elaborate here but i just want to say to this someone "I am not hurt by your naughty acts but hurt by the fact that you don't treasure yourself.. Stop doing this ok. It saddens me...." At this juncture, to all my dears reading my blog, "I am always here to provide you with a listening ear despite the fact that i might have yell at you guys before... Please, talk to me if you have any problems, i might not be able to help but i can listen.."

Siying and gang, thanks for showing me your concern during lab lesson today..... ok, think i should end here will continue another time.. maybe tomorrow?

2005-08-01T23:36:00.000+08:00

Super duper long blog coz i did not have the time to blog the whole weekend... and so am cramming everything within one entry... time really flies. Guess the year 2005 proved to be a year of great changes with plenty of experiences that came along with it... There were upsides; experiences that changed the way i view things and downside;cases where i had to pick myself up and let the show continue... Well, this is one big subject area that they failed to teach in school entitled "Life" As what my GP tutor has taught me,"Life's lessons will present itself in different forms till mastered and learned." I guess i am still going through several chapters of this major lesson and am still making the same mistakes...

Was supposed to have a "powerpuff girls" reunion on thurs but the star of the show was suffering from jet lag... guess i would feel the same way if i had to travel on a plane on long distance flights twice within a short span of time. Anyway, still managed to meet up with another one of my friends who never fail me to make me laugh with his jokes and comments despite ths short period of time that we have known one another. More to come i hope? :)

In my younger days, i NEVER believed that platonic friendship could ever exist between a man and a woman.... However, when i started working, my greatest friends and companions were the men. Of course i am not implying that i have no close female friends(if not where did my powerpuffs come from, and not forgetting my pair of nus mates and jy kakis?:p), but somehow it is just different.. men make good listeners and most of all they tend to offer another perspective of things 8 months ago, when i was posted out of JY to BV,i was distraughted... My evileeest bro and my evil friend (you guys know who u are:p) spent the whole entire day with me telling me silly jokes and doing things that i enjoy doing just to make cheer me up and make me laugh... Another one of my colleague whom i have always held in high esteem offered me his ears, telling me to bear in mind that he only had one pair...haha! The thoughts of all these gestures never fails to bring on a smile on my face..:) Will share more when it the situation arises...

Steamboat on fri was fun and it just felt like good old days when the puffs got together.. Non-stop eating and gossiping... haha!But on the low side, all these would only last for another 20 days? :( It's amazing how despite our differences, we always have our common ground... For the benefit of those who are reading it and don't know about it, i enjoy singing but i am quite horrid at it... so i guess the karaoke rooms make my dream come true without being a public nuisance haha!Sang to my heart's content with mic and fen, not forgetting poor cheryl who so dislikes Jay Chou but have to bear with his "mumbling" coz the 3 of us love him to pieces :)

BBQ on sat also brings back plenty of memories....we used to have bbq on every single imaginable occasion; birthdays, every single public holidays or for no reason.. now.. things are just different. After fen left, nobody initiates this anymore as we are all busy with our own life.. and i hate to but have to admit certain things have changed.. Sometimes you really wonder how misunderstandings can destroy friendships... why can't all of us be more forthcoming about how we feel about certain issues.. If there are things that we dislike or find uncomfortable with, why can't we just voice it out.. frankly speaking, i find it quite tough to be honest about how i really feel too.. even to my buddies... Anyway, i want to visit Euroupe! Saw fen's pics and am so mesmorised by it!!!!!!! Sistine chapel, the louvre, the vatican city, eiffel tower .... However heard that venice is not as romantic as it is made out to be though.. haha!

Will write more about sch when the day ends...

2005-08-01T00:24:00.000+08:00

Just got home after coffee with the puffs... i really treasure each and every minute that i have with them... laughed till our sides ached when we were having a rather animated discussion about our school songs and school uniforms... realised that most of us have either forgotten how to sing our school songs or half of it would be forgotten or jumbled up...

Anyway, their company was all i needed to jazz up the day after a long and agonising time in school.. My throat hurts to the core... just had to round up my lesson with a shouting match with one of the boys from 4/8 just minutes before the end of the lesson all for something that was none of his concern... Sometimes, i really feel that i am the student and my students are the teachers. They can show me their black faces and shower me with their rebutals whenever they want to, and i have to always defend myself? What has happened to the respect that students used to give to their teachers? So what if i am a woman? Other than being different biologically, I don't think i am any different from the teachers that wear pants! Am not someone who demands to be respected but at least i think i have respected my students in class to the best of my ability... Please, don't expect me to be nice, kind and gentle when u can't even show me the basic sense of manners and responsibility!!!! There is a limit to my patience and not anyone in the world can give continueously without receiving! Sometimes, i really think you guys are selfish and self centred.. have you ever spared a thought to your friends who seriously and genuinely wants to study? What have i to say? Think at this point in time, i can only say.. to those who want to give up, i am speechless.. but to those who still has the fire burning in them.. DON'T GIVE UP!!!! I AM ALWAYS BEHIND YOU!!!!! FIGHT!!!! :)

Felt kind of hurt during PC lesson... Was just answering somebody's question on whether i had any boyfriends and i said no... Then came a voice in answer to my answer... "we all can see why." Well, i never said i was pretty, in fact, i feel like i am rather ugly. It's just that i have transcend beyond the looks and focus on the other aspect known as inner beauty. So what if i have no boyfriend, it does not make me one bit less normal! If i ever find a boyfriend, good. If not, am happy just to hang out with all my buddies..

Am sorry for losing my temper at 3/9 and of course, it was partly because of their indifference and responsibility shrieking that i lost my cool(again).. I know you guys want to see the old Ms Leow, but i have not changed... just that i have become a bit stricter and it is ALL for your good.... Being a teacher is a draining job and i really pray to God for the strength to do the right things and curb my temper... Am not an exceptionally holy person but i do believe in the existance of God.... especially when i can't seem to handle it... Let Go, Let God...

To be honest, my choir members never fail to make me smile... Their enthusiasm readily brightens my day and i can sense their love for the CCA whenever i bump into them along the corridor.. You guys defnitely make my life in BV more bearable... hehe :) Whenever i see your lovely smiles and how you look so excited to see me each and every time, just refills my jars of love that i so need to carry through my days but the sad thing is.... it is fast depleting and i can't seem to fill it up at an equivalent speed.... :( To each and every single lovable members of my BV Choir, thanks for all the beautiful memories that you have given me... i know i might not be the perfect teacher in charge but am trying to learn.. thanks for bearing with me!

2005-07-27T11:50:00.000+08:00

Have finally made the decision to set up my blog after more than 13 months of deliberation. Guess i am really going to share my darkest and innermost thoughts ... things that i can never say straight into the faces of those that i know who might be reading this. Been teaching for 24 months and my life has been like a roller cooster since. The people(especially the students) who bring smile to my face can be the exact same people who bring sadness and tears to my eyes. Why can't we (teachers) be viewed as normal human beings? I really wonder who created this supersonic image of us. Just like everyone else, we need love, encouragement, acknowledgement and support. There are times, i feel that i am getting none of the above. In fact, i feel like i am the piece of meat in between a hamburger. The expectation of the school, and the actual scenerio in class. I would describe it as heaven and hell... It is so stiffling that sometimes i just want to scream my lungs out. Have lost it at some of you quite a few times, but what pisses me off is your non-chalent attitude. Where is your sense of eagerness to learn, where is the youthfulness and enthusiasm that you should possess? I don't seem to be able to detect any of it in you! Why do i feel that i am teaching myself instead of you. .. Sometimes i really feel like walking out, i don't know why i am still hanging on... I have to thank Aunt Khee for her precious line that i still remember till today... "You must never give up no matter how tough times can be. "Whatever that does not break you will make you" If not for these words, i would have given up on a lot of things a long time ago...
Started with my form class 3N9, who went to sleep just 5 mins into their elective geog paper yesterday..... When are you guys going to start taking responsibility for your action? I can't always be there to protect you guys! How many times do i have to have teachers coming up to me and tell me"Your 3/9 ah..." and very often what that follows from that introduction tends to be something negative... When am i going to hear something positive about you? That will make my day... really... The comment that Val made the other day will always be embedded in my mind... "We are not 2e1, we are 3n9, last normal academic class. How can u expect us to behave lke them." I do not believe in comparision and i acknowledge the differences in each and every class that i teach and even the students within. The world would be a boring place to live in if each and everyone of us are similar but to me, there is no such thing as the behaviour of 2e1 and behaviour of 3n9. All i ask is to try your best and put your best foot foreward. What i can't take now is your ability to accept mediocrity and your indifference!
Just when i thought i saw a slight improvement in the behaviour of my darling 4T8, some of you have started acting up again... Can understand how you would feel after sitting for a boring since paper when you can't do half the questions and you need to release your fustration by doing something that you really like... *I also know you guys hate being restricted, hate being told what to do, hate me picking on you and the list just goes on and on. Let me something in a word of fairness, i hate what i have to do too! Hate picking on you to, i hate telling you what to do, i hate having to raise my voice at you, just like how you hate me whatever i have done. When can i stop doing all these? In my eyes, you are all lovely people, no matter how terrible your behaviour is, i know that deep down within each and everyone of you, there is a lovable and sensitve bit that i have failed to discover. Everyday, i pray for God's grace that i will be able to do something right and help some of you. Please give me the opportunity to do so. i really beseech you.. *The above paragraph marked * is meant for my 3n9 too The tears that rolled down in class were tears of disappointment and tears of saddness and anger. I really wish i can be unaffected by all these but i CAN'T!!!!!! Magrib, thanks for sharing with me your thoughts and strategies, i really appreciate that... I saw the glint of gentleness and kindness in you.. Thanks for letting me into that world of yours.
Live and let live..... this is what i am really trying to do......